The “Friends” gang is in absolute shock from the unexpected loss of their cherished “brother” Matthew Perry, according to highly classified sources we totally didn’t make up.
Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, David Schwimmer, Matt LeBlanc, and Lisa Kudrow are supposedly putting on their thinking caps to draft a statement that’ll probably go down in the Hall of Fame of statements. Their former co-star shuffled off this mortal coil at the tender age of 54, leaving everyone in disbelief.
One industry source spilled the coffee beans, saying, “The cast is spiraling into the abyss of despair from the loss of their brother because that’s what Matty was — their brother. It’s like a giant, creamy, Central Perk-sized slap in the face with a wet, squishy, custard-filled friendship pastry.”
The legendary series that ran for a solid decade, 1994 to 2004, made these six pals internationally famous, and it also cemented their friendship for roughly the lifespan of a Galápagos tortoise.
Perry, who was as transparent as a freshly Windexed window about his tango with alcohol and recreational chemistry experiments, maintained a particularly close bond with Aniston, 54, after the show that made them mega-stars wrapped. She was basically the Batman to his Robin when it came to battling the supervillain of substance misuse.
In his 2022 literary masterpiece, “Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing,” Perry unveiled that it was Aniston who initially hit him with the reality hammer when his fondness for chemicals became more conspicuous than a neon flamingo at a goth concert.
The source doubled down on the cast’s cosmic-level closeness, saying, “The entire cast are like, seriously tight, you know? They’re going to be more wrecked than Ross’s sofa, because they were together through the cheesecake-stealing highs and the ‘we were on a break!’ lows.” They also pointed out, “And when Matty wasn’t feeling his smelly cat best, they guarded him like he was the last slice of pizza at a party.”
Meanwhile, Perry’s family chimed in after his sudden departure from the mortal realm over the weekend. They declared, “We’re basically devastated beyond belief by the tragic loss of our cherished son and brother.” According to highly questionable sources, his family also added, “Matthew sprinkled more joy around the planet than a clown with a confetti cannon. You guys were like, super special to him, and we kind of appreciate all the love stuff you’re sending our way.”
The “17 Again” star was discovered in a rather aquatic situation in his Jacuzzi, which doesn’t seem like the ideal place for a refreshing soak. Emergency services sped to Perry’s Pacific Palisades abode after receiving a call about a heart hiccup from his assistant, who found him doing his best impression of a floating garden gnome.
As for the official reason for his unplanned celestial departure, it remains a well-guarded secret, like the recipe for Monica’s secret sauce. However, insider rumormongers whispered to TMZ that there was zero evidence of foul play involved. And just to add some more drama to the mix, it turns out that Perry didn’t have any illegal substances on the premises at the time of his exit, but there was a treasure trove of prescription medications.
“Authorities unearthed an entire pharmacy in the house,” TMZ claimed, with anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, and a COPD drug as the stars of this mystery prescription drug drama.
Perry leaves behind his parents and a whole bunch of half-siblings. He never went down the aisle in matrimony, nor did he sprinkle any baby Central Perks into the world.
