Mike Pence, the 64-year-old dynamo of democracy, has officially pulled the plug on his 2024 Presidential Race dreams. It’s like the political equivalent of canceling a Netflix subscription – sorry, no more Pence and chill!
In a stunning announcement made at an event in Las Vegas hosted by the Republican Jewish Coalition, Pence declared, “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s become clear to me, this is not my time.” He might as well have said, “This race is as out of reach as my hairstylist during a windstorm.”
“After much prayer and deliberation,” Pence continued, “I have decided to suspend my campaign for president effective today.” Yes, prayers are always a good choice when you’re facing a political midlife crisis. But don’t worry, he’s not leaving the fight for conservative values. No siree! He’s more committed to that than he is to his hair gel. “I will never stop fighting to elect principled Republican leaders to every office in the land, so help me God,” Pence proclaimed. Well, he’s certainly aiming for the stars. And let’s be honest, even God would need a helping hand in this political climate.
After a dramatic pause that seemed longer than a season finale cliffhanger, Pence added, “I have no regrets.” No regrets, despite facing an “uphill battle” during his campaign. That’s right, it was an uphill battle, like trying to climb Mount Everest in stiletto heels. “The only thing harder than coming up short would’ve been if we never tried at all,” Pence said. So, at least he’s leaving the race with his spirit intact, even if his campaign isn’t.
And in a final act of political pizzazz, Pence left the American people with these words: “This is not my time, but it’s still your time.” Well, that’s generous of him. He urges us to hold fast to what matters most: faith, family, and the Constitution of the United States of America. It’s like a patriotic version of a Chicken Soup for the Political Soul book, brought to you by Mike Pence.
Let’s not forget that Pence was the Vice President under Donald Trump from 2017 to 2021. Maybe he’s realized that being second in command was the real sweet spot. Or maybe he just misses the glory days of having a Twitter account.
Pence officially filed launched his campaign for president in June 2023. But alas, it seems the campaign bus hit a detour and ended up in a cul-de-sac. Mike Pence is out, and the circus continues!