Okay, everybody calm down — but also don’t — because Elizabeth “Witchy Vibes Only” Olsen is about to bite into something way juicier than the MCU. She’s joining Kristen “Forever Brooding in Cool Lighting” Stewart in an upcoming vampire flick called Flesh of the Gods — and yes, it’s exactly as extra as it sounds.
The 36-year-old Olsen (whose cheekbones could probably cut through garlic) is joining the cast of this fang-tastic thriller that already stars Kristen and the internet’s boyfriend, Oscar Isaac. That’s right — this movie is stacking talent like a Twilight fan stacks Edward posters in 2008.
Here’s the plot, and brace yourself because it’s giving “Blade Runner meets Coachella after dark”: Kristen and Oscar play a high-rise condo couple (think hot, mysterious, and possibly very into minimalist furniture). Every night, they shimmy down from their luxury skyscraper like two sexy vampires with a trust fund and head straight into a neon-drenched underworld of party monsters, danger, and vibes so weird you can practically hear a synth-heavy soundtrack playing just by reading this.
Enter Elizabeth Olsen’s character: Nameless. Yep, that’s her name — or lack of one. She’s described as “mysterious and enigmatic,” which is just Hollywood code for “wears dark lipstick and speaks only in riddles.” Nameless doesn’t roll solo, though. She’s got a whole crew of hedonistic party goblins who probably drink blood out of martini glasses and live like Studio 54 never closed.
Kristen and Oscar get seduced into this glittery fever dream full of thrills, chills, and probably a lot of leather. Will they survive? Will there be slow-motion dance scenes? Will someone say “We are the flesh of the gods” while staring into a mirror dramatically? We can only hope.
The madness will be directed by Panos Cosmatos — yes, the same brain behind Mandy (aka that Nicolas Cage chainsaw fever dream) — so expect this movie to be less “Twilight” and more “what happens if Dracula dropped acid at a Berlin rave.” The screenplay’s by Andrew Kevin Walker, who also wrote Se7en, so there’s a 99.9% chance someone’s head ends up in a box. Oscar Isaac is also executive producing, because apparently acting and being devastatingly handsome isn’t enough for one man.
Flesh of the Gods doesn’t have a release date yet, but we suggest you start emotionally preparing now. Stock up on black eyeliner, watch some vampire movies that aren’t Twilight (or do, we’re not judging), and maybe start practicing your “mysterious but deeply alluring stare” in the mirror.
Because this vampire movie? It’s gonna slay. 🧛♀️💋✨
