Portia packed the horses, Ellen packed the Thetans, and now they’re living their best Cotswolds-core life, darling.
Ellen DeGeneres, 67, former queen of dancey daytime and low-key chaos, has officially peaced out of America and relocated her entire Operating Thetan-level existence to the ✨British countryside✨. Why? Two words, baby: Donald. Trump.
That’s right, our lesbian legend and her horse-goddess wife Portia de Rossi said “no thanks, babe” to the U.S. after waking up the day after the last election surrounded by crying-emoji texts. Instead of lighting some incense and grabbing a stress test, they straight-up decided to stay in England FOREVER like it’s some kind of tea-sipping, sheep-herding witness protection program for liberals.
“We got here the day before the election, woke up to a flood of crying emojis, and I knew… HE GOT IN. So we’re staying,” Ellen said, probably while sipping Earl Grey with psychic alpacas.
AND GET THIS:
- Portia flew her horses over like they’re Louis Vuitton luggage.
- Ellen now has chickens.
- They had sheep for “about two weeks” (unclear if they were repossessed or just spiritually incompatible).
- And Ellen saw snow for the first time ever, which makes zero sense but okay go off queen.
She says the UK is “clean,” “simple,” and “charming,” which is how we all described Scientology before our first session with the cans 🔥. But really, she’s thriving in her little Cotswolds cottage like it’s a Nancy Meyers movie written by L. Ron Hubbard.
So yeah, America lost Ellen but gained… idk, another Trump town hall. Meanwhile, Ellen’s out here whispering sweet affirmations to her free-range chickens and casually winning Best Dressed at local farmer’s markets.
Has she gone full British? Is she recruiting squirrels for the Sea Org? Will Portia’s horses become Clear? STAY TUNED.
#PortiaPackedThePonies #EllenGoesCottagecore #OperatingThetanInTheUK
