In a plot twist worthy of a reality show finale, former President Donald Trump has dramatically hit “pause” on tariffs — but only for 90 days. Because apparently, economic chaos needs a coffee break too.
“I have authorized — yes, me, the Donald — a 90-day PAUSE with a chill 10% tariff,” Trump declared, probably while sipping a Diet Coke and tweeting from a golden toilet. “Effective IMMEDIATELY,” he added, because subtlety is for losers.
But wait — plot twist incoming: China is NOT invited to this tariff nap party.
Nope. While the rest of the world gets a tiny breather, China just got smacked with a jaw-dropping 125% tariff, up from an already-thicc 104%. That’s not a tariff, that’s a financial slap across the face with a bald eagle wearing aviators.
Why the sudden fire? Trump explained with the calm diplomacy of a WWE announcer:
“Based on China’s utter lack of respect — like, zero manners, okay? — for the World’s Markets, I am cranking up the tariff heat. 125%, baby! They’ve been ripping off the good ol’ U.S.A. and frankly, I’m over it. It’s unsustainable. It’s unacceptable. It’s un-American!”
Clearly, someone’s still mad they didn’t get a fortune cookie with their last trade deal.
But the stock market? Oh, it loved the drama. Wall Street was like, “YAAAAS!”
The S&P 500 shot up like it just heard Beyoncé was dropping a surprise album — up 6.5%! The Nasdaq? Straight up moonwalking at +8%! Investors everywhere were popping champagne and doing the cha-cha.
Trump paused tariffs like he was hitting the snooze button on a Monday morning — unless you’re China, in which case, congrats! You’ve just unlocked Tariff Boss Level: 125%. Buckle up, global economy. The Trump-o-nomics rollercoaster isn’t done yet.
