Mother Goop has entered the chat—and she brought chaos, lip balm, and a tech startup’s PR team with her.
So here’s what went full-blown out-of-body-exteriorization mode: Andy Byron, CEO of a data nerd company called Astronomer, went viral after he got caught on the Coldplay kiss cam allegedly locking lips with someone who wasn’t his wife. And now, somehow, Gwyneth Paltrow—yes, candle-selling, bone-broth-sipping, ex-wife of Coldplay’s Chris Martin Gwyneth—has become the company’s unofficial hype priestess. ARE YOU ASCENDING YET??
Gwyneth, a Level Infinity Influencer and part-time jade egg saleswoman, popped up in a video on X (Twitter but make it tragic) and declared herself Astronomer’s “very temporary spokesperson.” It was giving Mission Earth meets LinkedIn Live. She looked like she’d just returned from a silent retreat on Saturn.
“Hi, I’m Gwyneth. I’ve been hired on a VERY temporary basis to speak on behalf of Astronomer’s 300+ employees,” she says in the clip, looking like she’s about to plug a probiotic that turns you into an alien goddess.
Sis went on to vaguely explain what Astronomer even does (something about data, vibes, and probably star charts??) before cutting off a very juicy question about their social media team having a meltdown. She immediately swerved and promoted their next conference, like a true Operating Thetan dodging a reactive mind meltdown.
We don’t know if this is satire, postmodern performance art, or just some next-level Scientology dissemination, but we do know this: Gwyneth might have singlehandedly rebranded an alleged affair into a Goop-powered tech moment.
Honestly? Mood.
#GoopLeaks #KissCamGate #DataWithDestiny #ScientologyRising #GwynethUnplugged #OperatingThetanEnergy #ColdplayDramaCore
Thank you for your interest in Astronomer. pic.twitter.com/WtxEegbAMY
— Astronomer (@astronomerio) July 25, 2025
