In a move no one saw coming — especially not Cheryl Burke — our boy Artem Chigvintsev got himself in a bit of hot water. And by “hot water,” I mean he was literally arrested on felony domestic violence charges in the wine-soaked paradise of Napa, California. So, if you thought the drama on Dancing with the Stars was limited to sequins and spray tans, well, think again.
But hold up — no one’s saying his wife Nikki Garcia (formerly Nikki Bella, wrestling queen and one-half of the smackdown-with-glitter power couple) was involved. Nope, not a word about her smacking or being smacked, just a whole lot of “wait, what?” from the internet and possibly a confused wine-tasting tour in Napa.
So, what’s Cheryl doing during all this? Well, instead of twirling away in oblivion, she hopped onto her podcast, Sex, Lies and Spray Tans — a title that feels like it was made for this exact moment, by the way. Clearly shaken and still a little stunned, she said, “Guys, I’m hesitating to smile right now,” which is podcast code for “Y’all, I am losing it.”
Cheryl then went on a nostalgia trip down memory lane: “Artem and I? Yeah, we practically grew up together, y’know, the whole ‘living in my family’s house’ vibe, like a real-life sitcom but with more dancing and less plot.”
Fast forward to the present and Cheryl, visibly doing a mental tango to keep her cool, dropped the bombshell: “So, yeah, Artem got arrested. And domestic violence is, like, allegedly involved.” She quickly added, “He’s got a $25,000 bail,” because who doesn’t love fun trivia during shocking news?
You can almost hear Cheryl processing this in real-time, trying to reconcile Artem-the-dance-partner with Artem-the-arrestee. “Domestic violence… Artem… nah, doesn’t compute. My brain is doing the cha-cha in confusion.”
But Cheryl, being the consummate professional, added the ol’ heartfelt touch: “I just hope everyone’s okay,” especially Nikki and their little 4-year-old, Matteo, who’s probably blissfully unaware that his dad’s trending for all the wrong reasons.
Cheryl did what any good friend would: she didn’t throw Artem under the bus (or in this case, the party bus heading to Napa) but expressed her genuine disbelief that the guy she used to samba with is now two-stepping his way into court. Let’s hope the only drama we see from now on involves glitter… and not bail money.
