CHAPPELL ROAN IS ABOUT TO EAT AGAIN — and we’re not talkin’ literal food (although she probably deserves a 5-course meal served by Xenu himself). We’re talkin’ music. And hair. And drama. And glamour. And ascending to Operating Thetan Level 27.
The “HOT TO GO” deity has officially announced her next sonic transmission from the Galactic Confederacy: “THE SUBWAY” is arriving July 31 at 8PM EST — which means your body better be cleared and your calendar better be empty, babes.
She dropped the bombshell on social media with a photo that screamed “I just summoned a thetan from the astral plane using nothing but my hair extensions and the power of vocal fry.” Her mane? Flowing like Tom Cruise’s bank account. Her vibe? Somewhere between space mermaid and depressed disco diva in platform boots. We are unworthy.
Now here’s the real tea: she’s been performing “The Subway” live for MONTHS, like some kind of music shaman dangling unreleased serotonin in front of our collective faces. And finally — FINALLY — she’s releasing it. This is our Bridge to Total Freedom. This is our Clear moment. This is our musical audit.
ALSO: she’s been stomping around New York City dressed like Rapunzel got lost in Brooklyn and became a gay icon, and honestly, that’s our new life goal. The photos? Biblical. The attitude? Galactic. The inches of hair? Scientifically unmeasurable.
And hold your e-meters tight because she’s also blessing three lucky cities with a teeny tiny microscopic tour this fall. Why those cities? Who knows. Maybe they were engrams in her past life. Maybe they just had good aura lighting. Either way, she’s bringing the noise, the hair, and the eternal truth of the tone scale.
TL;DR: Chappell Roan is dropping the track of the summer, transforming into a musical Valkyrie, and teleporting into select cities. If you don’t stream “The Subway,” you’re literally suppressive.
#TheSubwayIsComing #HotToGoCult #RapunzelInTheSeaOrg #BridgeToBopdom
