Donald Trump is back at it again, and this time his target? Late night TV hosts. Yes, the former Commander-in-Chief, at a mere 78 years young, has turned his sights on those fellas who crack jokes after 11 p.m. In what can only be described as a campaign rally/TV critic symposium in Pennsylvania, Trump took the stage to declare that late night television is on life support, and guess who’s pulling the plug? Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel, of course!
“They’re all dying!” Trump proclaimed, as if he’s a TV network executive in a turtleneck and a beret. “These three guys are so bad,” he added, pausing to let the shade sink in.
Now, in case you thought Jimmy Fallon had dodged the Trump Train of Trolls, think again. “He’s not very funny,” Trump quipped, and somewhere in Hollywood, Fallon probably dropped his cue cards in a pile of tears and confetti. But wait, it gets better.
“These three guys are getting blown away by Gutfeld,” Trump added, referring to Greg Gutfeld of Fox News—a late-night host with the energy of a caffeinated ferret. “Blown away!” he repeated, probably imagining an actual cartoon-like wind gust lifting Fallon, Colbert, and Kimmel into the stratosphere. It’s clear Trump’s love for late-night TV froze somewhere around 1980, which brings us to his next lament: Where’s Johnny Carson?
Yes, you read that right. Trump demanded the return of Johnny Carson—the legend who hosted The Tonight Show for three decades. Carson, by the way, has been deceased since 2005, but Trump isn’t going to let a little thing like “death” get in the way of a nostalgic throwback. “Bring back Johnny!” he cried, as if Carson’s just been hanging out backstage all these years, waiting for his cue. Apparently, Johnny’s ghost would do a better job than “these three guys” who are, again, “so bad.” Poor Carson didn’t even see this ghostwriting gig coming.
And here’s where it gets, um, relatable? “I don’t like anybody that doesn’t like me,” Trump admitted with the self-awareness of a toddler who’s just been told they can’t have a cookie before dinner. “I’ll be honest, when they don’t like me, I don’t like them. Okay?” In a moment of supreme reflection, he called this behavior a “personality defect.” Wow, you’ve gotta hand it to him for such deep introspection. Next thing you know, we’ll get a Trump self-help book: How to Not Like People Who Don’t Like You, and Why That’s Totally Fine.
Late-night TV, you’ve officially been roasted… again.