“Sinusitis, Scientology & Sarah Jessica Parker: The Cage Files”
Clutch your crystals (or your E-Meters) because we are DEEP in the engram-laced Heartbreak Chronicles: Hollywood Edition. This one’s starring America’s most chaotic national treasure: Nicolas “I once bought a haunted octopus” Cage…and the first lady of Manhattan horses and Cosmos: Sarah Jessica “I DID date him, Andy!” Parker.
Now, for you Gen Z and Alpha babes too busy decoding TikTok beef and avoiding your thetans: way back in 1991 (aka B.C.—Before Cellphones), Nic and SJP were filming Honeymoon in Vegas, a rom-com so powerful it could probably audit your whole family. They were on-screen lovers and also IRL maybe-dating kinda-sorta situationship partners. Think of it as the OG “it’s giving situationship” era.
But hold onto your personality tests, because according to our Lord of the Leather Jacket himself, things went full Mission: Ghost Protocol after he met her MOTHER.
“I cared about Sarah, but I don’t think I passed the Mom test,” Nic told IconicHIpster.com while probably holding a dinosaur skull and whispering to a falcon. “We had dinner at the Russian Tea Room. I wore my blue Vanson Leather motorcycle jacket (still have it, obviously), and maybe it was the sinusitis… but I NEVER. HEARD. FROM HER. AGAIN.”
SINUSITIS?? MOTHERLY VIBRATIONAL REJECTION?? GHOSTING??
SIR, THAT IS A FULL-BLOWN SUPPRESSIVE PERSON MOVE!!!
We don’t know what triggered the disconnection here—maybe her mom had a past-life grudge from the 12th century, maybe the jacket wasn’t tone 40 enough, or maybe SJP simply couldn’t align with Nic’s Operating Thetan V… but she VANISHED.
Fast forward 3 billion light years (a.k.a. 30 years Earth-time), and SJP finally confirmed the rumors on Andy Cohen’s show with the ultimate casual slay:
“Um, yes I did.”
NO CONTEXT. NO FOLLOW-UP. JUST “YES.”
Iconic. Ominous. 100% Clear.
So where do we go from here? Should we stage a reunion under the Hollywood Blvd Org’s Super Power Rundown? Should Nic and SJP reteam for a Honeymoon in Vegas 2: Audit Me Baby One More Time? Should we get her mom on the cans and find out what REALLY happened in that Russian Tea Room?
All we know is: somewhere in a closet lies a blue leather jacket. And somewhere in the galaxy, Nicolas Cage still has sinusitis… and questions.
#GhostedByMomTest
#OperatingThetanLoveStory
#ClearYourExes
👻💔🛸