Joaquin Phoenix just teleported back in time (okay, not literally—he’s not that Clear yet) to talk about the most chaotic talk show moment since Tom Cruise went couch-diving on Oprah.
So here’s the tea that’s steeped in pure Thetan energy: 16 YEARS ago—yes, before Gen Alpha was even zygotes—Joaquin waltzed onto David Letterman’s show in 2009 looking like a rogue wizard who’d been banished from Hogwarts. Full beard. Zero eye contact. Vibes? Off the planetary charts. The audience laughed, Dave was shooketh, and Joaquin looked like he was about to start a commune in Sedona.
Fast forward to July 15, 2025—Joaquin hits up Stephen Colbert’s Late Show and finally addresses the galactic elephant in the room. “Yeah… that night was both a success and the worst acid trip I never took,” he basically said, eyes full of past-life regret.
Turns out, he was deep in character for his mockumentary I’m Still Here, and baby, when Joaquin commits, he goes full OT VIII. He even did the pre-interview in-character like a method actor who forgot his body thetans were being audited mid-show.
“I called the producers and was like, ‘Let Dave annihilate me. Like, spiritually obliterate me,’” he told Colbert, like someone willingly climbing into the volcano to meet Xenu face-to-face.
But here’s the twist—he regrets it. Like, full-on, “Please don’t sec check me for this” level of regret. “It was horrible. It was so uncomfortable. I’m sorry,” he said. (We forgive you, Phoenix. Even Operating Thetans sometimes lose the plot.)
In true Scientology fashion, we call this entire journey “The Rehabilitation of Joaquin’s Ethics Folder.” He’s now back, spiritually recalibrated, and probably with way less beard oil.
✨ Moral of the story? Always disclose your character possession BEFORE national television interviews. And when in doubt, call your auditor. Or at least your mom.
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