In the wee hours of Election Night, the Trump campaign burst into full celebratory mode, as it looked like The Donald was on his way to reclaiming the Oval Office, this time as the 47th President. Imagine the scene: confetti falling, red hats waving, and a champagne toast that could probably be heard across three counties.
Trump was joined by his full entourage—Melania, looking ready to start a spa day by noon; Barron, now 18 and possibly wondering if he can go back to TikTok soon; the ever-poised Ivanka with her husband Jared Kushner, who had that I’m here because I have to be smile down pat. Vice President JD Vance was there with his wife Usha, looking both proud and perhaps wondering if he left the stove on back at home.
Trump kicked off the festivities with a speech brimming with his trademark confidence, saying, “This was, I believe, the greatest political movement of all time!” He went on to declare that the country is heading for a “new level of importance” and that his mission was to “help our country heal.” Maybe next he’ll try his hand at Reiki?
“We have a country that needs help—serious help,” he added, sounding like he was pitching a reality show called Make America Functional Again. “We’re going to fix our borders. We’re going to fix everything about our country.” Bold words from the man who’s also known for his experience with fixing… well, not finances, exactly, but definitely something.
As he went on, Trump gave every American a personal pep talk straight out of a ‘90s action movie: “Every citizen, I will fight for you, for your family and your future.” He vowed to give every ounce of his energy to make America safe, strong, and prosperous, wrapping it up by saying, “This will truly be the golden age of America!” Somewhere in the back, someone probably whispered, “Is he planning to build an actual golden statue of himself?”
And let’s not forget: this comes after Trump became the first former president to be found guilty on all 34 counts in his infamous hush money trial. He’s also got two more cases on deck, plus those two impeachments and, oh yes, six bankruptcies. But hey, everyone loves a comeback story, right? Trump’s just making sure he’s got a few extra plot twists up his sleeve.
It was a night of huge promises, bigly celebrations, and possibly the start of what he called the “golden age.” Or, you know, at least a glittery one.