Donald Trump vs. TikTok: The Supreme Court Smackdown Nobody Saw Coming

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In today’s edition of “Wait, What Did He Do Now?” Donald Trump has decided to dust off his Art of the Deal playbook and waltz into the Supreme Court with a TikTok-sized agenda. Spoiler alert: it’s not about perfecting the Renegade dance.

Here’s the deal: a new law says TikTok has until January 19, 2025, to pack its bags, wave goodbye to its Chinese ownership, and move in with a non-Chinese companyβ€”or face the digital guillotine of a nationwide ban in the U.S. Naturally, this has Gen Z spiraling like they just lost their Snap streaks.

But here comes Trump, who’s like, β€œHold my Diet Coke; I got this.” With his big return to the Oval Office supposedly just a day after TikTok’s eviction notice kicks in, he’s asking the Supreme Court for a little favor: hit the pause button on this TikTok ban nonsense. Why? Because he wants to be the guy to fix it. No pressure or anything.

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In a 500-page brief (probably bedazzled in gold Sharpie), Trump essentially said, β€œNobody negotiates like me. Believe me. TikTok needs me, and America needs TikTok.” He’s arguing that his sheer presence as the Commander-in-Chief-slash-CEO-of-Dealsβ„’ is enough to save the day, keep TikTok from being banned, and make everyone’s For You Page great again.

β€œLook, it’s simple,” his brief claims (probably in all caps at some point). β€œTrump knows deals. He’s the only one with the skills, the clout, and the Wi-Fi password to handle this. Plus, have you SEEN my engagement on Truth Social?”

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But wait, there’s more! He’s also pitching himself as the defender of democracyβ€”or at least the dance challenges that keep it alive. Trump says his goal is to save your First Amendment rights (read: your right to post badly lit videos of spaghetti and questionable lip-sync battles) while ALSO protecting the country from scary things like…national security risks. Because nothing says β€œtop priority” like protecting both the Constitution and Charli D’Amelio’s follower count.

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So, what happens next? The ball’s in the Supreme Court’s court. Will they grant Trump’s request, or will TikTok’s fate hang in the balance like a precarious game of Jenga? One thing’s for sure: this plot twist has more drama than a reality TV reunion episodeβ€”and you just KNOW Trump would call it “the biggest, most tremendous negotiation in history.”

Stay tuned. This is one TikTok saga you won’t want to scroll past.

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