In today’s edition of “Wait, What Did He Do Now?” Donald Trump has decided to dust off his Art of the Deal playbook and waltz into the Supreme Court with a TikTok-sized agenda. Spoiler alert: itβs not about perfecting the Renegade dance.
Hereβs the deal: a new law says TikTok has until January 19, 2025, to pack its bags, wave goodbye to its Chinese ownership, and move in with a non-Chinese companyβor face the digital guillotine of a nationwide ban in the U.S. Naturally, this has Gen Z spiraling like they just lost their Snap streaks.
But here comes Trump, whoβs like, βHold my Diet Coke; I got this.β With his big return to the Oval Office supposedly just a day after TikTokβs eviction notice kicks in, heβs asking the Supreme Court for a little favor: hit the pause button on this TikTok ban nonsense. Why? Because he wants to be the guy to fix it. No pressure or anything.
In a 500-page brief (probably bedazzled in gold Sharpie), Trump essentially said, βNobody negotiates like me. Believe me. TikTok needs me, and America needs TikTok.β Heβs arguing that his sheer presence as the Commander-in-Chief-slash-CEO-of-Dealsβ’ is enough to save the day, keep TikTok from being banned, and make everyoneβs For You Page great again.
βLook, itβs simple,β his brief claims (probably in all caps at some point). βTrump knows deals. Heβs the only one with the skills, the clout, and the Wi-Fi password to handle this. Plus, have you SEEN my engagement on Truth Social?β
But wait, thereβs more! Heβs also pitching himself as the defender of democracyβor at least the dance challenges that keep it alive. Trump says his goal is to save your First Amendment rights (read: your right to post badly lit videos of spaghetti and questionable lip-sync battles) while ALSO protecting the country from scary things likeβ¦national security risks. Because nothing says βtop priorityβ like protecting both the Constitution and Charli DβAmelioβs follower count.
So, what happens next? The ballβs in the Supreme Courtβs court. Will they grant Trumpβs request, or will TikTokβs fate hang in the balance like a precarious game of Jenga? One thingβs for sure: this plot twist has more drama than a reality TV reunion episodeβand you just KNOW Trump would call it “the biggest, most tremendous negotiation in history.”
Stay tuned. This is one TikTok saga you wonβt want to scroll past.