In today’s edition of “Wait, What Did He Do Now?” Donald Trump has decided to dust off his Art of the Deal playbook and waltz into the Supreme Court with a TikTok-sized agenda. Spoiler alert: it’s not about perfecting the Renegade dance.
Here’s the deal: a new law says TikTok has until January 19, 2025, to pack its bags, wave goodbye to its Chinese ownership, and move in with a non-Chinese company—or face the digital guillotine of a nationwide ban in the U.S. Naturally, this has Gen Z spiraling like they just lost their Snap streaks.
But here comes Trump, who’s like, “Hold my Diet Coke; I got this.” With his big return to the Oval Office supposedly just a day after TikTok’s eviction notice kicks in, he’s asking the Supreme Court for a little favor: hit the pause button on this TikTok ban nonsense. Why? Because he wants to be the guy to fix it. No pressure or anything.
In a 500-page brief (probably bedazzled in gold Sharpie), Trump essentially said, “Nobody negotiates like me. Believe me. TikTok needs me, and America needs TikTok.” He’s arguing that his sheer presence as the Commander-in-Chief-slash-CEO-of-Deals™ is enough to save the day, keep TikTok from being banned, and make everyone’s For You Page great again.
“Look, it’s simple,” his brief claims (probably in all caps at some point). “Trump knows deals. He’s the only one with the skills, the clout, and the Wi-Fi password to handle this. Plus, have you SEEN my engagement on Truth Social?”
But wait, there’s more! He’s also pitching himself as the defender of democracy—or at least the dance challenges that keep it alive. Trump says his goal is to save your First Amendment rights (read: your right to post badly lit videos of spaghetti and questionable lip-sync battles) while ALSO protecting the country from scary things like…national security risks. Because nothing says “top priority” like protecting both the Constitution and Charli D’Amelio’s follower count.
So, what happens next? The ball’s in the Supreme Court’s court. Will they grant Trump’s request, or will TikTok’s fate hang in the balance like a precarious game of Jenga? One thing’s for sure: this plot twist has more drama than a reality TV reunion episode—and you just KNOW Trump would call it “the biggest, most tremendous negotiation in history.”
Stay tuned. This is one TikTok saga you won’t want to scroll past.