Celine Dion’s Vocal Cords Give In, She Can No Longer Sing

Hold on to your high notes because Celine Dion is facing a hilarious showdown with her vocal cords! The iconic singer, amidst her ongoing health circus, is expressing a burning desire to serenade her fans on stage. But guess who’s the new rockstar in town? Stiff-person syndrome! Oh yes, you heard it right.

In a plot twist that even Shakespeare couldn’t have conjured, Celine’s sister, Claudette Dion, spilled the beans to the National Enquirer. Apparently, Celine is working harder than a cat trying to herd mice, but alas, stiff-person syndrome decided to crash the party. Claudette dramatically declared, “She doesn’t have control over her muscles — and vocal cords are muscles.” Well, someone get those vocal cords an etiquette class!

Celine’s dream of belting out tunes on stage is hanging by a thread, or should we say, a spasm. According to Claudette, it’s like a muscle rebellion up in here, and not the cool, dance-off kind. “It’s true that in both our dreams and hers, the goal is to return to the stage. In what capacity? I don’t know,” Claudette pondered, probably imagining a world where vocal cords obey like well-trained puppies.

Insiders spilled the tea, revealing that Celine is totally okay with the idea of becoming the singing sensation on wheels. Picture this: Celine in a wheelchair, belting out ballads like a diva on a joyride. But hold up, the vocal cords are playing hard to get. They’re like the rebellious teenager of the musical anatomy, causing spasms that turn Celine’s serenade into a wild rollercoaster ride.

“But her voice is just not coming back the way that would allow her to perform or record again,” sighed an insider, probably envisioning Celine’s vocal cords pulling a prank on her. “Spasms in her vocal cords? Oh sure, let’s throw in a surprise twist mid-song and watch the audience go wild!”

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Sadly, it seems like Celine’s vocal cords are channeling their inner diva and rejecting all attempts at repair. Surgery and therapy? Well, those are just fancy words in the vocal cord dictionary that seem to be falling on deaf… uh, vocal cords. In the meantime, we’ll be here, eagerly waiting for the day Celine’s vocal cords decide to join the harmonious circus once again. Stay tuned for the most epic comeback since disco!

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