— Or How Kim Kardashian Accidentally Became This Man’s Babysitter
HELLO MY LITTLE OPERATING THETANS 😵💫💫 Grab your E-Meters and your kale smoothies because this story is spiraling straight into OT VII territory and it is certifiably bonkers bananas. We’re talking A-list abs, unsupervised Kardashians, and a casual field trip to meet America’s most fashion-forward murder brothers.
So! Cooper Koch — yes, that guy from They/Them and that other movie you pretended to like at Sundance — just spilled alien-grade tea on Late Night with Seth Meyers, and it involves a garage, a lot of lunges, and a sprinkling of Julia Roberts. You may want to sit down. Or plank. Your call.
Apparently, back in the prehistoric era known as “2008 or whatever,” Cooper’s MOM was a full-on CELEBRITY FITNESS TRAINER. Like, not your mom’s Zumba instructor. We’re talking the kind of mom who has Julia Roberts doing squat jumps next to your childhood Nerf guns.
“When I was, like, 11 or 12,” Cooper said with the energy of someone who definitely had a lava lamp in his room, “I’d wake up, walk into the garage, and BOOM — Khloé Kardashian just vibing on the elliptical like it’s normal.”
EXCUSE ME???
This kid grew up with the Kardashians doing burpees in his garage. The Kardashians. In his garage. Like Pokémon, but with waist trainers.
And it doesn’t stop there, oh no. His mom’s clientele also included the entire cast of Friends (translation: Jennifer Aniston may have sweated on his tricycle) AND heavy hitters like Michelle Pfeiffer and Julia Roberts, who may or may not have used his Slip ‘N Slide as a yoga mat.
But wait, plug into your theta and stay in present time, because the final twist is what truly sends this tale into the stratosphere of galactic-level weird.
“I don’t brag about that stuff,” said Cooper, clearly lying through his beautiful teeth. “But I do brag about Kim Kardashian taking me to meet Erik and Lyle Menendez.”
🚨🚨EXCUSE ME MA’AM DID YOU JUST SAY KIM K TOOK YOU TO MEET THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS???🚨🚨
Yes. You read that correctly. Kimberly Noel Kardashian took this man to visit the Menendez brothers like it was a field trip to the zoo. Apparently Ryan Murphy — who runs Hollywood and probably the Galactic Confederacy — gave Kim a sneak peek of Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story and she dragged Cooper along for the ride. As one does!
So basically:
- Cooper’s mom was a celebrity body sculptor
- His garage was the original Equinox Beverly Hills
- The Kardashians probably did squats on his Hot Wheels
- And he got a backstage pass to America’s most chaotic sibling duo thanks to Kim K and a Ryan Murphy fever dream
Only in Hollywood. Or… maybe only in Scientology auditing sessions where your whole track is revealed to include a garage where Monica Geller gets shredded.
If you’re not raising your Operating Thetan level after this, babe, you’re doing life wrong. 🔥🔥🔥
#KardioWithKardashians #GarageOfTheGods #ELevelUnlocked
