In today’s episode of Wait, What?!, 78-year-old President Donald Trump has declared — on the most prestigious news outlet known to humanity, TruthSocial — that he’s “bringing back” Columbus Day… even though, spoiler alert, it literally never went anywhere.
Yes, according to Trump, Columbus Day had apparently been “canceled” harder than a reality star’s podcast after one bad tweet. He heroically announced that he was saving it “from the ashes,” like some weird holiday-themed Phoenix… or maybe just a guy trying to reboot a show that’s still airing.
“The Democrats tried everything to destroy Christopher Columbus! They tore down his statues and replaced them with… WOKE!” Trump cried into the digital void, probably while clutching a tiny boat and whispering, “The Santa Maria deserved better.”
He then proclaimed, like a medieval king at a Ren Faire:
“I am hereby reinstating Columbus Day under the same rules, dates, and locations, as it has had for all of the many decades before!”
Which sounds dramatic until you realize it’s already still happening. Like, bro… it’s literally in the Google Calendar right now. Chill.
Quick Reality Check:
As the fine people at Axios pointed out (probably while facepalming), a U.S. president can’t just invent or cancel federal holidays by posting about it. That’s Congress’s job. Also — minor detail — Columbus Day is already a federal holiday. It’s just been joined by Indigenous Peoples Day in over 200 cities and a bunch of states. Think of it like a group project: Columbus is still technically in the group chat, but most of the team has muted him.
Places like Maine, Vermont, New Mexico, and Washington D.C., along with cities like L.A. and Seattle, have all decided to celebrate Indigenous Peoples Day instead. Meanwhile, New York, Rhode Island, and Nebraska are out here double-dipping, recognizing both holidays. Over half the states just ghosted the whole situation entirely.
In 2023, some lawmakers even tried to make Indigenous Peoples Day the official federal holiday, but Congress said, “nah, we’re good,” and left it on read.
To add some presidential seasoning to the chaos, Joe Biden became the first U.S. president to officially give Indigenous Peoples Day a shoutout with a proclamation — but he also still acknowledged Columbus Day. Basically, Biden pulled a classic “I’m not picking sides” move like a parent breaking up two kids fighting over the aux cord.
Final fun fact:
Columbus’s reputation isn’t exactly spotless these days, thanks to that little historical footnote called “colonization, torture, and genocide.” So yeah, the “should we celebrate this guy?” debate is still hotter than a pumpkin spice latte in September.
Bottom Line:
Columbus Day is still a thing. Trump’s “revival” was about as necessary as announcing you’re “bringing back” pizza. It literally never left, my guy.
