In a scene straight out of a Netflix true-crime docuseries, UnitedHealth Group CEO Brian Thompson met a tragic and bizarre end outside New York City’s swanky Hilton Midtown hotel early Wednesday morning. Just before 7 a.m., as the city was waking up, a masked assailant—armed, dangerous, and apparently quite theatrical—ambushed the 50-year-old executive with a calculated hail of bullets.
But wait, there’s more!
The Bicycle Bandit
The shooter didn’t just shoot and scoot. Oh no, this criminal had style. After firing at least three shots, striking Thompson in the back and leg, the assailant made a dramatic escape… on a bike. That’s right, a bike. Picture a supervillain pedaling away like a hipster late for brunch. He was last seen entering Central Park, which is basically the Gotham City of real life, and now, the NYPD and FBI are chasing him around like it’s a live-action game of “Where’s Waldo?”
The Shell Casing Scribbler
Now here’s where things get spicy: investigators found three shell casings at the scene, each bearing a single word written on it—like the most menacing fortune cookies ever. The words? Deny, Defend, Depose. Sound familiar? No? Well, to corporate America, that’s basically their holy trinity.
Authorities are scratching their heads trying to figure out if this is a poetic declaration, a manifesto, or just the shooter’s idea of a cryptic mic drop. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are probably already connecting it to everything from Big Pharma to the Illuminati.
What’s Next?
The NYPD is now working overtime to crack the case, and the FBI has joined the hunt, presumably bringing their biggest brains and fanciest gadgets to the table. As for the rest of us? We’re left wondering who this mysterious bike-riding vigilante is and why they seem to hate PowerPoint presentations and quarterly earnings reports.
Stay tuned for updates, because this story has “streaming miniseries” written all over it.