In today’s episode of “When Life Gives You Puppies…and Chaos,” Lily Allen, our favorite chart-topping dog-mom in distress, has found herself dodging internet pitchforks and torches after a recent ruff incident. You see, Lily’s family pup, sweet Mary (innocent in name only), apparently got her paws on something a little more expensive than your average dog toy: the family’s passports and visas. Yes, this dog had big travel plans—just none that included Lily and her kids actually leaving the house.
Let’s set the scene: Lily’s kids were all packed and ready to visit dear old Dad in London, but oh no! Their canine counterpart decided to host an impromptu “passport-flavored” snack session, rendering the family grounded. The moral of the story? Always lock up your travel documents. Mary’s chomping ability was evidently the final straw for the Allen family.
During her recent podcast appearance, Lily confessed that she tried—oh, how she tried—with dear Mary. But the passport-eating fiasco was the final push for Mary to, uh, relocate her life. “We loved her very much,” Lily explained, “but… we also enjoy not being trapped in one country.”
Cue the Internet’s Collective Meltdown.
People were mad. Like, really mad. Apparently, a puppy returning her own personal ‘items’ (aka: your vital government IDs) doesn’t go over well on social media. Lily took to X (formerly Twitter, but honestly who can keep up these days) to clarify her side, saying, “Y’all need to chill. My kids aren’t international prisoners because I hated the dog. I liked the dog! The passports, not so much.”
Then came the death threats. Yes, you read that right. The death threats for… returning a dog. Calm down, Internet.
“I tried my best, okay?” she added. “But the moment I had to look my kids in the eyes and say, ‘Sorry, we can’t see Daddy because Mary fancied a little paperwork snack,’ things had to change.”
But that’s not all. Apparently, Mary wasn’t just a passport-muncher—oh no, this dog was also suffering from a deep-seated separation anxiety that would make even the clingiest ex look like a social butterfly. Lily explained that Mary, bless her heart, couldn’t be left alone for even 10 minutes without launching a full-scale puppy meltdown. “She was walked more times a day than a New York marathon runner,” Lily explained, and she even had a dog-walker-on-call to provide backup. But no amount of dog whispering could soothe Mary’s anxious little soul.
So, after much deliberation and many a puppy-therapy session, it was clear that the Allen household just wasn’t vibing with Mary’s particular… quirks. And, to avoid any more international passport sabotage, Mary was rehomed within 24 hours. “The person she went to is known to us,” Lily shared, which is a classy way of saying, “She didn’t end up on Craigslist, so can we all please take a deep breath?”
As for the barrage of hate messages? Lily is baffled, understandably. “People are out here acting like I personally trained Mary to eat passports as some sort of evil plot to cancel our vacation,” she wrote. “No, no, the universe just hates me this week.”
She concluded her post with a plea: “Please stop believing everything you read in clickbait articles, especially ones from certain tabloid sources that sound suspiciously like ‘Fail Online.’” Touché, Lily.
In her closing arguments, Lily dropped some wisdom: “The world is full of enough drama without people getting their knickers in a twist over rehoming a dog. Can we all just, like, chill?”
May your dogs only ever chew shoes, and may your travel documents always stay out of reach!
"We tried very hard and for a very long time but the passports were the straw that broke the camels back"
This is the part of the podcast that the tabloids decided not to quote in their articles about me "dumping my puppy"
People have been furiously reacting to a deliberately…
— Lily Allen (@lilyallen) August 25, 2024
