Let’s talk about the greatest game of royal hide-and-seek you’ve ever seen. One moment, the world is asking, “Where’s the Princess of Wales?” and the next, boom! Prince Andrew pops up like a whack-a-mole, stealing the spotlight. It’s almost like the royals have a big red button labeled “PANIC: Deploy Andrew!” whenever they need a distraction.
Now, poor Andrew, he’s no stranger to being the family’s go-to scapegoat. Once upon a time, it was the Duke and Duchess of Sussex who wore that crown, but in the new era of King Charles—let’s call it the Carolean era—Andrew is the designated royal rodent. Picture this: “Where’s Kate? Forget her, look at Andrew over there!” It’s as subtle as a sledgehammer.
So, what’s the latest royal drama? King Charles has had enough of Andrew’s royal freeloading and wants him out of the palatial Royal Lodge. For nearly two years now, since QEII’s grand exit, Charles has been shaking his royal eviction notice like a saber. But Andrew? He’s planted himself like a particularly stubborn garden gnome. Charles doesn’t actually want to be the bad guy and evict him; it’s more like Prince William’s whispering, “That lodge would look great with my family in it, Dad.”
Here are the hilarious highlights from The Times’ latest:
Charles Won’t Bankroll Andrew’s Castle Forever: The King is getting a bit tight-fisted and has made it crystal clear: Andrew’s days of living it up in the Royal Lodge on the royal dime are numbered. But Andrew? He’s glued to his spot like a royal barnacle. Imagine the frustration! It’s like trying to evict a cat from a warm laundry pile.
Andrew, Meet Your New Home: Frogmore Cottage! Charles thinks Andrew should downsize to Frogmore Cottage, recently vacated by the Sussexes. It’s in the Windsor Castle security zone, so fewer guards needed—win-win, right? But Andrew’s acting like Frogmore is a haunted shack instead of prime real estate. He’s slower to recognize reality than a sloth in a hammock.
A Royal Mess: Andrew’s not exactly Mr. Clean. Recent photos show the Royal Lodge looking shabbier than a flea market. And inside? It’s a nightmare of Fergie’s novelty teapot collection and Andrew’s creepy teddy bears. His son-in-law, a property CEO, must have nightmares about it.
Andrew’s Royal Routine: Nowadays, Andrew spends his days as a tragic couch potato, watching TV in a dimly lit room. Occasionally, he goes horse riding—except he doesn’t even bother going to the stables. Nope, they bring the horse to him. Talk about VIP service!
Friends? What Friends? Andrew’s royal aides aren’t exactly rushing to help. They’ve all been on the receiving end of his legendary temper tantrums, known as the “hairdryer” treatment. Now, they watch the Royal Lodge drama unfold with popcorn in hand, no sympathy in sight.
The Lease That Never Ends: Andrew’s lease on the Royal Lodge is like a bad marriage—long and unbreakable until 2078. He paid millions to renovate it, so he’s not budging without a fight. He’s got a legal grip on that place tighter than a corgi’s bite.
Stubborn as a Royal Mule: Friends say Andrew’s not going anywhere. He’s hoping Charles won’t want to look like a royal villain by kicking him out. Andrew’s strategy? Out-stubborn the King. He’s got nothing but time and a comfy chair to sit in.
The Price of Royal Couch Potato Life: Keeping Andrew safe and sound costs Charles a pretty penny—about £3 million a year for security alone. Add a hefty living allowance and you’ve got one expensive TV-watching session. If Charles pulls the plug on the funds, Andrew’s luxurious life goes poof!
Frogmore Cottage, the Royal Bargain: Moving to Frogmore would save a ton of money on security, and it’s in mint condition thanks to the Sussexes’ renovations. It’s practically a royal turnkey!
William’s Eyes on the Prize: William and Kate might claim they’re happy in Adelaide Cottage, but everyone knows the Royal Lodge would suit them better. It’s like eyeing the bigger slice of cake at a party but trying to act like you’re content with the smaller one.
A royal comedy of errors, complete with stubborn princes, lavish lodges, and a family drama more twisted than a palace garden maze. Pass the popcorn, because this show isn’t ending anytime soon!
