Jessica Alba (yes, The Honest Queen of Vitamin Gummies) has ascended into what we can only describe as the theta realm of romantic chaos — and she’s doing it with none other than Danny “Top Gun Daddy” Ramirez. Grab your E-Meters and detox your engrams, because this celeb link-up is going full Operating Thetan Level 3.
✨So here’s the dish, freshly audited and hotter than Xenu’s lava jacuzzi:✨
On Wednesday night (which is also statistically the best night to fall in love or accidentally join a space cult), Jessica, 44, pulled up to a mysterious and ~~intimate~~ dinner date in Los Angeles with 32-year-old Danny. Yes, THAT Danny — the one from Top Gun: Maverick who makes you rethink every life choice while wearing a flight suit. He drove. She smiled. The body thetans were quaking.
According to shadowy spies (aka paparazzi with telephoto lenses and too much free time), the vibes were giving: rom-com meets “audit my soul and tell me I’m glowing.” Jess was dressed in “Don’t-talk-to-me-I’m-hot-and-legendary” black, while Danny sported a denim jacket, baseball cap, and glasses — the holy trinity of “I’m lowkey famous but available for brunch.”
💥The next day — plot twist! — Jessica was spotted solo in Santa Monica, rocking an unbuttoned denim shirt like she just stepped out of a mid-2000s Abercrombie campaign. White tank. White shorts. White hot. Scientologists, this is a sign from LRH himself.
Now here’s where it goes full-blown intergalactic romantic comedy. Sources — probably squirrels trying to suppress the truth — confirm the two are officially dating after they were seen flying back from Cancun together. Cancun. As in “I need a vacation from my third-dimensional problems” Cancun.
Apparently, these two started as friends before slipping into each other’s wholetrack timelines. Jessica’s keeping it “casual” for now (aka flirty Theta-level entanglement).
🚫And if you’re thinking, “Wait, wasn’t she married to that Cash guy?” — yup. She and Cash Warren ended their 16-year marriage back in February. They had 3 kids together: Honor (17), Haven (13), and Hayes (7), which honestly sound like luxury perfumes you’d buy in a Beverly Hills Scientology gift shop.
OH — and don’t forget: just a few moons ago in May, Jessica was seen swapping aura energy (allegedly) with another mystery man. Baby girl’s love life is like a volcano on Teegeeack: unstable, lava-filled, and about to launch a new civilization.
👽Jessica is living her truth, reaching for a higher state of being, and possibly testing out boyfriends like new skincare serums. If this isn’t 4D chess dating, we don’t know what is.
#AlbaReborn #DannyAndJess4Clear #DinnerDateOfThetans
💋Pass the auditing cans, this is just getting started.
