Florida influencer extraordinaire Caroline Calloway has decided to handle a Category 5 hurricane the way she handles most things—by not handling it at all. The woman who once taught us how to “create” (via workshops that sparked more drama than Picasso’s Blue Period) is now teaching us how not to evacuate in the face of certain doom.
Caroline, currently living her best life (aka risking it all) in Sarasota, Florida, dropped a bombshell on her social media this week: she’s not leaving, despite authorities strongly suggesting she gets the heck out of Dodge. Because, you know, Hurricane Milton and his 160 mph winds are knocking on her door like an unwanted Jehovah’s Witness.
On Tuesday, October 8, Caroline uploaded a video of herself at home, looking as calm as a person can be when they’ve essentially signed up for Mother Nature’s latest demolition derby. “I’m going to die,” she declared, with the same enthusiasm one might use when declaring they’ve run out of oat milk for their latte. Her reasoning? Well, brace yourself. It’s because her house is in “zone A,” the zone marked MANDATORY EVACUATION. Which, naturally, means, “Nah, I’ll just stay put.”
She goes on to explain why she’s not hitting the road: “I didn’t evacuate. I can’t drive, first of all. Second of all, the airport is closed.” So, in short, it’s not that she won’t evacuate—it’s that she’s just really bad at options.
Oh, but wait, there’s more! The last time she did evacuate, she went to her mom’s house, and apparently, that was a disaster of its own. “Her whole street flooded, and we were evacuated by the U.S. military after three days of no power, no food, and no water,” she shared, probably trying to erase the memory of MREs for breakfast. “It was very traumatic,” she added, as if that somehow justified her decision to stay directly in the path of an even bigger hurricane.
You see, Calloway isn’t worried about Milton wiping out her Wi-Fi or taking her beachfront condo for a swim. Oh no, her real fear is enduring another family reunion with her mom’s street underwater. “So I don’t want to evacuate to my mom’s house because the last time I did that, it was the worst time ever,” she added, as though the hurricane had somehow RSVP’d specifically for her trauma.
But, hey, she does acknowledge the tiny issue of geography: “A little concern I live right on the beach not gonna lie,” she casually captioned her post. Yes, Caroline, living on the beach in a hurricane sounds about as sensible as wearing a paper hat in a thunderstorm.
Meanwhile, as Caroline debates the merits of driving lessons, the National Hurricane Center was less chill about the situation. On Wednesday, October 9, they announced Hurricane Milton is basically coming for Florida like it’s late to a very angry reunion. Winds of 160 mph are expected to make Sarasota look like it’s auditioning for a remake of Twister. Tampa’s mayor Jane Castor didn’t mince words either, warning that if you’re in an evacuation zone and don’t leave, you’re pretty much signing up for a real-life version of Final Destination: “You’re going to die,” she said.
But hey, Caroline’s got her plan—just not an evacuation one.
