Well, guys, it’s another beautiful day in the United States of America™️, where the burgers are grilled, the flags are flying, and Donald J. Trump is throwing verbal folding chairs at Joe Biden’s head from the comfort of his phone.
Just hours after news broke that President Biden had been diagnosed with prostate cancer (yes, actual medical news, not a QAnon fan fiction), Trump hopped on Truth Social—the social media equivalent of shouting into a megaphone at a mall fountain—and hit “reshare” on a post that called Biden a… wait for it… a “decrepit corpse.” 🧟♂️💀
Classy! Presidential! Truly the kind of decorum you’d expect from a guy who once sold gold-plated steaks out of a Sharper Image catalog.
The post in question came from right-wing commentator and human Red Bull can DC Draino, and it didn’t stop at calling Biden a crypt keeper with a teleprompter. Nope. It also recycled the fan-favorite conspiracy theory that the 2020 election was “rigged”—because of course it did. According to this hot mess of a status update, the country is being run by a hologram, the Autopen is apparently sentient, and we’re all extras in an episode of Black Mirror: Mar-a-Lago Edition.
And just to really hammer home the whole “subtlety is for the weak” vibe, the post ended with a call for treason charges. Because if there’s one thing Trump never forgets—besides which way to hold a Bible—it’s that every disagreement is a federal crime.
But wait! There’s more. Earlier that same day, Trump gifted us all a chaotic Memorial Day message that started like a patriotic greeting card and ended like the plot of The Purge 12: Supreme Court Boogaloo.
Here’s the TL;DR: Trump wished everyone a Happy Memorial Day—including, and this is real, “the scum”—because nothing says “honoring fallen soldiers” like calling half the country garbage.
He then proceeded to blame Joe Biden for personally inviting 21 million undocumented people (that’s like five New York Cities) into the U.S., who he claims are all criminals, lunatics, and presumably carrying illegal hot dogs across the border.
He also accused judges of protecting drug lords, murderers, and possibly a few retired Bond villains. According to Trump, these judges hate America and have ideologies “that are sick,” unlike his ideology, which is mostly about yelling in all caps and using exclamation points like they’re going out of style!!!!!!!
But don’t worry, America! Trump assured us that “great progress” is happening and that the U.S. will soon be “safe and great again,” which sounds suspiciously like the kind of thing a comic book villain says before releasing a cloud of sentient gas into the water supply.
Biden’s got cancer, Trump’s got Wi-Fi, and Memorial Day turned into a caps lock convention hosted by the Ghost of Conspiracies Past.
🇺🇸 God bless America, and God save us from the group chat energy of Truth Social.