Dakota “Unbothered, Moisturized, In Her Lane” Johnson has officially stepped out in New York City post-split from Chris “Coldplaying With My Heart” Martin—and she did NOT come to play. She came to SLAY… in shades of beige.
Our beloved Fifty Shades of Don’t-Call-Me-Mrs-Martin was spotted Wednesday (June 4) outside the Greenwich Hotel, probably leaving behind a room full of tissues, spa robes, and someone named Lars who gave her a $400 face massage that changed her life. Her breakup fit? A full monochromatic Cappuccino Queen Ensemble™—shades of tan so powerful, even the sidewalk blushed.
She rocked a wide-brimmed hat so large it’s now legally classified as shade, some ultra-dark sunglasses to hide the tear-free eyeballs of a woman who upgraded her man to “None of the Above,” and a Gucci purse big enough to fit all her Coldplay CDs (burned, broken, and blessed). Her flats? Simple brown—but deadly to Chris’s ego.
Dakota and Chris had been entangled in a lowkey situationship since 2017, the kind of relationship that was so private you needed a telescope, a VPN, and a PhD in Vibes to know what was going on. In 2024, someone somewhere claimed they’d been engaged for “years,” but LOL, plot twist! Turns out the only rings happening now are Dakota’s massive hoop earrings of independence.
And just to sprinkle a little petty on this breakup sundae, Dakota was spotted last month grabbing dinner with ANOTHER of Chris’s exes. Was it a power move? Was it just a salad? Was it a girl’s night coded in ancient breakup witchcraft? We may never know. But what we do know is this: Dakota Johnson is strutting through NYC like the post-heartbreak empress she is.
Some people eat ice cream and cry. Dakota eats the pavement in luxury loafers and causes sidewalk envy. 💅✨
Next stop? Revenge glow-up tour 2025. Let’s go.
