Suge Knight just called in from prison and gave the most unhinged courtroom commentary since Amber Heard’s dog stepped on that bee.
During a prison phoner with NewsNation’s Cuomo (yes, that Cuomo), Suge decided to put his prison-approved Bluetooth headset to good use and chime in on Diddy’s whole sex trafficking situation. And plot twist? He says Diddy should “definitely walk.”
“Puffy and I are not friends,” Suge says, probably from a cell that has better reception than my apartment. “But Puffy should definitely walk.”
Translation: We’re not besties, but the man deserves a break. (Also, did anyone else just hear Tupac roll over?)
Wait, Who’s Capricorn?
Oh honey, buckle up.
Suge went from legal expert to Hot Mess Express historian in 0.2 seconds and started name-dropping like he was on a reunion episode of Love & Hip Hop: Prison Edition.
He brought up Capricorn Clark, Diddy’s former assistant, and immediately launched into a story so confusing, you’d think it was ghostwritten by a fever dream.
Apparently, Capricorn once broke the back windshield of a truck owned by a dude named Reggie Wright Jr. (who, I guess, is Suge’s personal Voldemort). The story devolves into extortion, taxes, and something about Interscope allegedly cutting Capricorn a million-dollar hush-hush check. The twist? She got mad because… wait for it… she had to pay taxes on it.
“She thought it was a settlement where she didn’t have to pay taxes on it,” Suge repeats twice, because even behind bars, the IRS lives rent-free in everyone’s mind.
“Do I Think Capricorn Is Credible?” — Suge’s Answer: ✨Kinda Not Really But Also Maybe✨
Suge continues his TED Talk on credibility by describing a night in New York where he was just chillin’ in the streets with Capricorn and “another b****.” That’s his wording, not ours. And apparently, there were restaurants involved, limos (duh), and general gallivanting. So naturally, he’s confused about her claims of fearing Diddy, when she was out here living like the unofficial fourth member of Sex and the City.
Also, Suge casually drops this gem:
“She said it over and over and over, ‘I don’t want to have sex with this fat f***.’”
He immediately self-corrects, unsure if he can cuss, which is adorable, considering the rest of the call was basically the audio version of a burning dumpster filled with non-disclosure agreements.
The Grand Finale: “The Law Gotta Be Blind!”
Suge ends his monologue by putting on his glittering robe of righteousness, saying it’s wrong that only Diddy is in the hot seat.
“At some point, the law gotta be blind,” Suge preaches, like a philosopher who once allegedly hung Vanilla Ice over a balcony.
And he’s not wrong — this entire scandal is serving multi-platinum levels of confusion, contradiction, and conspiracy.
TL;DR:
- Suge Knight called in from prison like a jailhouse Wendy Williams.
- He says Diddy should be free because… well, reasons.
- Capricorn Clark’s involvement sounds like a crossover between Scandal and Judge Judy.
- There were limos. There were broken windows. There were taxes.
- Suge may or may not be trying to launch a second career as a courtroom commentator for TMZ.
So yeah, just another totally normal day in hip-hop’s legal circus.
Stay tuned, stay bougie, and for the love of God, keep your windshields intact.