President Joe Biden decided to wrap up his final hours in the White House by playing Oprah with pardons. “You get a pardon! You get a pardon! Everybody gets a pardon!” And who’s on his VIP list of pardon recipients? None other than Dr. Anthony Fauci, General Mark Milley, and the Jan. 6 committee — a.k.a. the people who’ve been living rent-free in Donald Trump’s head.
Captain Covid, General Controversy, and the Capitol Cops Get the Hookup
Dr. Fauci, the man who simultaneously saved lives and inspired approximately 7 million conspiracy theories, is getting a pass. Why? Because Biden knows the guy has already been through enough. Fauci spent two years explaining to America why licking doorknobs isn’t a great idea, only to be called “Public Enemy No. 1” by certain factions of the internet.
Then there’s General Milley, the former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who’s been accused of everything from mishandling Afghanistan to inventing “woke military training.” Milley might not have gotten everyone out of Afghanistan smoothly, but at least he didn’t propose building a wall around the country and calling it a day.
Biden didn’t stop there. He extended his pardon powers to the Jan. 6 committee members, including Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, the political equivalent of middle school hall monitors. These two dared to cross Trump, earning them a one-way ticket to his “Enemies of the State” Pinterest board.
Biden: “Just So We’re Clear, These Pardons Don’t Mean They Did Anything Wrong”
In a statement that sounds like it was drafted by a lawyer who’s already six margaritas into retirement, Biden clarified: “Issuing these pardons doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong. It also doesn’t mean they didn’t do anything wrong. It just means… well, let’s not overthink it.”
He then went on to say the nation owes these folks a “debt of gratitude” — which is government-speak for “Can y’all stop fighting long enough to let me go ride my bike in peace?”
Trump’s Revenge Squad Incoming
Meanwhile, Trump has made no secret of his plans for what’s next. He’s assembling a new administration with a list of people ready to hand out political payback like it’s Halloween candy. Fauci, Milley, and the Jan. 6 crew? Yeah, they’re basically starring in Trump’s “Most Wanted: Political Edition”.
Trump has publicly fantasized about throwing Liz Cheney and her committee pals in jail. For what, you ask? Existing, apparently.
Final Thoughts: Pardons Are the New Farewell Gifts
Biden’s last-minute pardon spree is less about guilt or innocence and more about throwing shade at Trump. It’s like leaving the thermostat cranked up to 90 before the new tenants move in — just a little something to remember him by.
As for Fauci, Milley, and the Jan. 6 team? They’re probably printing those pardon certificates on fancy cardstock and framing them for their office walls. After all, nothing screams “2020s politics” like a preemptive pardon for crimes you haven’t even been accused of yet.
