Armie Hammer Dabbles in Dude Land, Immediately Regrets It

Buy Me A Coffee

Armie Hammer just took “experimenting” to a whole new level—and, well, the results are in: He’s sticking to the ladies.

The 38-year-old actor spilled the tea (or maybe spilled the Grindr notifications) on his HammerTime podcast, sharing what happened when he decided to give gay sex a shot. Spoiler alert: It did not go as planned.

“I was like, ‘You know what? Women are exhausting. Gay dudes have it all figured out,’” Armie explained, clearly having done very deep research (read: downloading Grindr for five minutes).

After marveling at the efficiency of gay men finding hookups—because, let’s be honest, Grindr is basically Uber Eats for romance—Armie decided to dive in.

See also  Dame Judi Dench Has Retired From Acting Due To Bad Eyesight

Enter: Monsieur Mystery Man
So, our boy meets a dude. A handsome dude. A French dude. Basically, a fashion week fever dream.

“This guy had the whole thing going on. I thought, ‘Alright, alright, this could be interesting,’” Armie recounted. “Then we started making out… and that’s when things got weird.”

Cue dramatic record scratch.

“First of all—beards. Why? Why do women tolerate this? It was like kissing a Brillo pad,” he said, suddenly appreciating the smooth faces of his past girlfriends.

See also  Matt Bomer Spills the Tea on Getting Outed by the Media Before He Even Had a Chance to Say “Hey, Girl, Hey”

And then—plot twist—Armie had a full-on existential crisis mid-makeout.

“I hugged him, and my brain was like, ‘Uh… those are some broad shoulders. He’s big. He’s my size. This is weird. Where is the dainty collarbone? Where is the tiny waist? I am not feeling this.’”

His body’s reaction? Absolutely nothing. No spark, no sizzle, not even a flicker. His libido basically clocked out and left the chat.

The Awkward Finale
Things were heating up (at least for the French guy), and then—le horror!—the moment of truth arrived.

See also  Emily Ratajkowski Roasts the All-Female Blue Origin Space Squad: “I’m Disgusted and My Eyebrows Are Permanently Raised”

“He reached for my junk, and I was like, ‘Sir, this is a Wendy’s. That’s not happening. My d— is currently in airplane mode.’”

And just like that, Armie’s Great Gay Experiment was over.

Final Verdict:
1. Grindr remains undefeated.
2. Armie Hammer: Certified Heterosexual.
3. If your first reaction to kissing someone is wondering if you need to buy them a razor… it’s probably not meant to be.

Comments area

Sidebar

Must Read

Lady Gaga’s Madame Tussauds Wax Figure In Hong Kong Leaves Fans Stunned

Hold onto your hats, Little Monsters! Madame Tussauds Hong...

Cardi B and Offset Are Still Spending Time Together Despite Split

Cardi B and Offset are currently engaged in a...

Dua Lipa Looked Stunning At The Time100 Gala

Dua Lipa just blasted through the music industry like...

Bhad Bhabie Reveals Pregnancy, Shares Baby-Bump Pics

Guess what? Bhad Bhabie is cookin' up something more...

Miranda Cosgrove Reveals Details About An Upcoming ‘iCarly’ Movie

Miranda Cosgrove is sprinkling some serious hope for the...

Tom Holland Announces New Line Of Non-Alcoholic Beer Called Bero

Attention, Spider-Man stans and beer buddies – your friendly...

Caitlyn Jenner Asks Elon Musk For Support to Sue Disney

Hold onto your Mickey Mouse ears, because Caitlyn Jenner...

Jared Leto Finds His Long-Lost Oscar—Where Was It Hiding? Probably Meditating!

Jared Leto just closed the case on Hollywood’s sassiest...

Megan Thee Stallion Announces The Title Of Her New Album And Its Release Date

Hold onto your hot sauce, because Megan Thee Stallion...

Armie Hammer Embraces His Inner “Kannibal Ken” in a Barbie-Inspired Music Video Cameo

In today’s installment of “You Won’t Believe This Until...

You Might Also Like

A ‘Baywatch’ Reboot Is Coming to FOX

Guess what? The ultimate beach saga, Baywatch, is making...

Adele Shares Final And Rescheduled Dates Of Her Vegas Residency

Hold onto your wigs! The queen of soul-stirring ballads,...

‘Houdini’ by Dua Lipa is Coming Soon

After keeping us on the edge of our seats...

Lindsay Lohan Takes Son Luai to the Zoo, and We Hope the Animals Were Ready for the Drama

Lindsay Lohan, the queen of childhood nostalgia and unexpected...

Prince Harry Gets a Tattoo from Jelly Roll, Because Why Not?

Prince Harry is breaking the monarchy mold yet again—this...

Britney Spears’ Dad Jamie’s Leg Gets Amputated

The latest gossip on Britney Spears' dad is wilder...