Armie Hammer just took “experimenting” to a whole new level—and, well, the results are in: He’s sticking to the ladies.
The 38-year-old actor spilled the tea (or maybe spilled the Grindr notifications) on his HammerTime podcast, sharing what happened when he decided to give gay sex a shot. Spoiler alert: It did not go as planned.
“I was like, ‘You know what? Women are exhausting. Gay dudes have it all figured out,’” Armie explained, clearly having done very deep research (read: downloading Grindr for five minutes).
After marveling at the efficiency of gay men finding hookups—because, let’s be honest, Grindr is basically Uber Eats for romance—Armie decided to dive in.
Enter: Monsieur Mystery Man
So, our boy meets a dude. A handsome dude. A French dude. Basically, a fashion week fever dream.
“This guy had the whole thing going on. I thought, ‘Alright, alright, this could be interesting,’” Armie recounted. “Then we started making out… and that’s when things got weird.”
Cue dramatic record scratch.
“First of all—beards. Why? Why do women tolerate this? It was like kissing a Brillo pad,” he said, suddenly appreciating the smooth faces of his past girlfriends.
And then—plot twist—Armie had a full-on existential crisis mid-makeout.
“I hugged him, and my brain was like, ‘Uh… those are some broad shoulders. He’s big. He’s my size. This is weird. Where is the dainty collarbone? Where is the tiny waist? I am not feeling this.’”
His body’s reaction? Absolutely nothing. No spark, no sizzle, not even a flicker. His libido basically clocked out and left the chat.
The Awkward Finale
Things were heating up (at least for the French guy), and then—le horror!—the moment of truth arrived.
“He reached for my junk, and I was like, ‘Sir, this is a Wendy’s. That’s not happening. My d— is currently in airplane mode.’”
And just like that, Armie’s Great Gay Experiment was over.
Final Verdict:
1. Grindr remains undefeated.
2. Armie Hammer: Certified Heterosexual.
3. If your first reaction to kissing someone is wondering if you need to buy them a razor… it’s probably not meant to be.