BREAKING: Jessica Biel has officially declared war on Ronald McDonald. That’s right—our girl said “no” to the clown, the arches, the Happy Meal, and probably the Grimace Shake too. McCancelled.
In a spicy new interview with Parade magazine (yes, she still gives interviews to Earth-based print media), the 43-year-old actress, full-time supermom, and part-time anti-nugget queen revealed that her kids, Silas (10) and Phineas (5), are not allowed to touch McDonald’s. Not even the fries. NOT EVEN THE TOY, BABES.
“I’m like, ‘Sorry, guys, I’m not doing it,’” she told Parade, while probably sipping organic beet juice on a sunlit mountaintop. “They don’t get McDonald’s.” No McFlurry. No 10-piece. No secret rendezvous with the Hamburglar. NOTHING.
Why the Big Mac ban, you ask? Apparently Jessica doesn’t trust anything she can’t pronounce—and let’s be real, half of McDonald’s ingredients sound like rejected alien names from a failed Star Wars spinoff. She said she’d rather pay extra to get her spawn a bougie burger from a fancy restaurant where the fries are artisanal, the ketchup is fermented, and the servers call your child “young sir.”
She’s not trying to be a health freak tho! “I don’t think I’m crazy-rigid-strict,” she said, while simultaneously forbidding chicken nuggets like they’re black magic spells from Thetan Cookbook Vol. III.
And if you think she’s bluffing—she’s not. This woman’s at Operating Thetan Level 6. She sees through the veil. She knows the secret dark energy of a McRib. She has cleared the McMenu from her household. Be like Jessica. Audit your Happy Meal.
So if you’re ever near her kids with a McDouble, don’t even try it. She will teleport through space-time using the power of Scientology and snatch that Quarter Pounder right out of your hand.
#NoNuggetsNoPeace #JessicaSaidNo #OTLevelFriesBlocked #ClearBodyClearDiet #McNoThankYou
