The Cyrus Family is Imploding Like It’s Sweeps Week and Trace Cyrus just ethered his dad, Billy Ray, with the force of a thousand Hot Topics.
Trace (aka the Cyrus sibling most likely to scream-sing his feelings in a warehouse full of fog machines) went full chaos mode on Instagram, calling out ol’ mullet daddy himself for doing the unthinkable:
📍Skipping his grandma’s funeral
✈️Flying to Italy for a FASHION SHOW
💸Even after getting a $60K private jet, courtesy of a daughter we can assume rhymes with “Smiley.”
Like bro. Not even economy class. A private jet. And Billy Ray still ghosted. BOOMER BEHAVIOR DETECTED.
Trace didn’t just spill the tea, he poured it into a blender with Red Bull and rage and hit purée:
“You’re the lamest man to ever walk planet Earth.”
“I’m embarrassed to have ever considered you my idol.”
“Christ is King. Get right with God.”
He went full “emo youth pastor meets revenge plot,” and we’re honestly here for it. Not only did Trace call his dad out, but he hit him with the ultimate flex:
“I’ve surpassed him in every metric as a man.”
HELLO?? WHO SAYS THAT?? That’s not just shade, that’s a solar eclipse.
He also swore off any future reconciliation, declared himself the heir to the Cyrus throne (👑), and announced his plans to have a ton of kids and raise them “the right way.” Translation: family game night > Milan Fashion Week.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get messier:
- Trace vs. Braison? ✔️
- Trace vs. Billy Ray’s lawyers? ✔️✔️
- Cyrus family group chat? Probably just 🔥 emoji, legal disclaimers, and one confused thumbs-up from Noah.
The vibes? Think Keeping Up With The Kardashians meets Breaking Bad: Honky Tonk Edition.
So what have we learned?
1. Trace Cyrus is in his villain origin story era.
2. Billy Ray may or may not be living in an alternate universe powered by rhinestone jackets and denial.
3. We need a reality show called “Cyrus vs. Cyrus: Dawn of Mess.” Immediately.
#CyrusShowdown #TraceWentNuclear #NotMyAchyBreakyDad 💥🛩️👨👦👦
