It seems the NFL has a new opponent to tackle—an international crime ring that’s been taking a victory lap around players’ homes while they’re out scoring touchdowns. The league recently issued a “Hey, y’all be careful” memo to the players’ union and team security after thieves hit the homes of Travis Kelce and Patrick Mahomes. Talk about unsportsmanlike conduct!
And this isn’t just your run-of-the-mill neighborhood scuffle. No, these are professionals—an elite squad straight out of South America, reportedly treating pro athletes’ houses like Black Friday at Best Buy.
“It’s Legit—Like, Netflix-Docuseries-Level Legit”
An NFL insider told reporters, “It’s legit. This is a transnational crime ring.” Apparently, these thieves have been laser-focused on NBA and NFL players. Who knew crime rings had scouting reports?
Over the past three weeks, they’ve been racking up stats by targeting players’ homes all over the U.S. But here’s the kicker—they don’t break in while the players are home binging Netflix or working on their TikTok dances. No, these burglars study public records and game schedules like a fantasy football fanatic. They’re basically crime nerds with PhDs in “How to Ruin Your Day.”
What Are They After?
Master bedrooms, closets, and anywhere shiny things live. Basically, if it glitters, it’s as good as gone. These crooks aren’t grabbing your spare change jar; they’re playing “Ocean’s Eleven: NFL Edition.”
Cowboys’ Linval Joseph Joins the Fumble
Apparently, Dallas Cowboys’ defensive tackle Linval Joseph also got a surprise visit from the sticky-fingered crew. Not the kind of blitz he’s used to handling, but hey, even defensive lines have their limits.
What’s Next?
If you’re an NFL player, maybe start sleeping in your diamond-encrusted cleats and hugging your Lombardi trophies a little tighter. Or better yet, invest in home security systems so aggressive they sack intruders faster than a Micah Parsons blitz.
Meanwhile, the rest of us can sit back and enjoy the irony: the most intimidating athletes on Earth are out there dodging international crime rings while we’re just trying to keep squirrels out of our attics.
