In today’s episode of “This Is Definitely Not What Mario Meant By ‘Let’s-A-Go’”, 26-year-old Luigi Mangione strutted into federal court like it was his red carpet debut—except instead of Gucci, he rocked a beige prison jumpsuit that screamed “I haven’t seen sunlight in three weeks.”
The occasion? Just a chill lil’ arraignment where he pled not guilty to murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson—a crime that has somehow made healthcare even more confusing.
According to CNN (and probably everyone else within a 10-mile radius of the courthouse), Luigi remained cool under fluorescent lighting as he denied all federal charges, which include:
– Murder (casual),
– Two counts of stalking (definitely not romantic),
– And a firearms offense (because of course there’s a gun involved).
But wait, it gets juicier.
Pam Bondi—yes, that Pam Bondi, former Trump lawyer and probably someone’s aggressive PTA mom—told prosecutors to aim for the death penalty. Subtle, right?
Luigi’s lawyer, Karen Friedman Agnifilo (who sounds like she moonlights as a saxophone player at a Brooklyn jazz club), was like, “Umm, yeah, we’d actually prefer to do the federal trial first, thanks,” especially since the feds dropped the capital punishment bomb like it was the season finale of Law & Order: Chaos Unit.
So, what’s next? A waiting game.
The judge, Margaret “We’ll Get to It Eventually” Garnett, scheduled the next hearing for December 5th—a date far enough away that you could grow a beard, learn Italian, and finish two seasons of The Crown. The actual trial? Not until 2026. Yes, two whole years from now. By then, AI might be running the courtroom and Luigi will probably have his own Netflix docuseries called “Luigi: Jumpman to Jailbird.”
But that’s not all!
Luigi’s legal calendar is as packed as a Black Friday sale. He’s also facing state charges in New York (where the alleged crime happened), and Pennsylvania (where he was arrested, possibly while trying to grab a hoagie). He pled not guilty in NYC but has yet to say anything official in PA—probably too busy adjusting to the smell of Wawa coffee.
In a plot twist no one asked for, Luigi launched a WEBSITE (yes, a full-blown “I may be accused of murder but please click subscribe” situation). And in March, someone out there actually donated $36,500 to his legal defense fund. So, congrats to that person, who may or may not have also bought NFTs of Luigi’s mugshot.
Stay tuned for more updates from America’s messiest courtroom drama—coming to you sometime between now and the next solar eclipse.
