You’re Lily Allen, international pop star, living your best life in New York City. You decide to do the good and noble thing by adopting a rescue dog. What could possibly go wrong? Spoiler: EVERYTHING.
In a riveting episode of the “Miss Me?” podcast on August 21st, our heroine, Lily, spills the tea on why this adorable, four-legged nightmare was sent back to the shelter. It turns out, adopting a dog is not just about cuddles and Instagram-worthy walks in Central Park. Oh no. Sometimes, it’s about your furry friend taking a chunk out of your future… literally.
“So, yeah, we adopted a dog,” Lily begins, innocently enough. But wait for it—“then she ate my passport.”
EAT. HER. PASSPORT. The ultimate plot twist that even Hollywood screenwriters couldn’t dream up. But that’s not all! This canine menace didn’t just have a nibble. No, this dog had a feast. Three passports, to be exact, one for each member of Lily’s family, plus visas, because why not?
“She ate all three of our passports,” Lily says, probably still in disbelief that this is her life now. “And they had our visas in them!” Oh, but it gets worse. It was during COVID, which means replacing those passports was like trying to perform a one-woman production of Mission: Impossible. Except, instead of Tom Cruise, it’s Lily Allen, running around frantically, passport-less, while her dog laughs evilly in the background.
In a move that would make even the calmest among us scream into the void, this passport-chomping pooch basically grounded Lily and her family for four to five months. Why? Because without those magical little books, her daughters, Ethel (12) and Marnie (11), couldn’t go visit their dad in London. You know, the other continent. All thanks to Fluffy the Destroyer.
“Because the father of my children lives in England,” Lily continues, clearly still reeling from the trauma, “I couldn’t take them back to see their dad for like four months. Four months! Because this f—ing dog ate the passports!”
Now imagine looking at said dog every day. It’s wagging its tail, looking all innocent, while you’re sitting there like, You have ruined everything. The betrayal is real.
But if you thought the passports were the only casualties, think again. This dog was not just a passport-muncher. No, no. It was a full-on disaster of a dog. The kind that makes you question all your life choices.
“She wasn’t just after passports,” Lily confesses, her voice full of regret. “She was a very badly behaved dog.” The details are unclear, but we can imagine the scenes: shoes destroyed, couches mauled, probably some weird obsession with barking at shadows.
Despite Lily’s valiant efforts to tame this whirlwind of chaos, the writing was on the wall—or in this case, on the half-chewed remains of her travel documents. “The passports were the straw that broke the camel’s back,” Lily admits.
So, with a heavy heart and likely some serious side-eye from her children, Lily returned the dog to the shelter, where hopefully, its next adopter will keep their passports locked in a vault.
And that, my friends, is the tale of Lily Allen and the Passport-Destroying Pup.
