Is Katy Perry auditing Justin Trudeau?? Are they using lobster to Clear each other’s reactive minds?? Did Orlando Bloom get dumped for a Canadian firework with daddy issues?? Let’s unpack this juicy volcano of celebrity chaos.
🌸 JULY 28: JUSTIN, KATY & THE MYSTIC LOBSTER DATE
Katy Perry (aka Mother of Bops, Queen of Cupcake Bras, Human Strawberry Shortcake) was spotted prancing through Mount Royal Park with none other than Justin Trudeau—a man who once ran a country and probably still uses a ring light.
They later got cozy at a fancy Montreal restaurant called Le Violon (French for “The Violin,” aka how this whole situationship sounds: dramatic, expensive, and likely to snap).
They sipped cocktails. They shared lobster. They allegedly thanked the kitchen staff (which, let’s be honest, is a HUGE red flag of politeness).
Security was nearby but basically in stealth mode, probably silently chanting “May you never be the effect of your environment.” (LRH would’ve approved.)
And get this—Justin paid for everything. Multicourse tasting menu, beverages, world peace… the whole shebang.
SOURCES SAY: No PDA. JUST VIBES. Just an Operating Thetan and a pop priestess exchanging charged particles.
🎆 JULY 30: JUSTIN GOES FULL FIREWORK
Two days later, Katy’s Lifetimes Tour hits Montreal, and who’s in the audience? Oh just Justin “Maple Daddy” Trudeau and his daughter, Ella-Grace, dancing like nobody’s watching (but EVERYONE was).
Yes, he sang along to “Firework.” Yes, he had that goofy ex-boyfriend energy. Yes, we are spiral texting everyone we know.
😱 AUGUST 2: EXCLUSIVE INFO-DUMP FROM PLANET RUMOR
According to mysterious sources (probably Tom Cruise’s Thetan at this point), Katy and Justin are “interested in each other” but also battling schedules, public scrutiny, and the emotional weight of their respective exes.
BUT WAIT—THEY “HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.”
Like what??
- Love of music
- Intense eye contact over shellfish
- World-saving delusions of grandeur
- Probably both took personality tests at some point
They’re both idealists—aka people who still think they can fix the world through pop music and polite politics. Bless them.
🤡 ORLANDO BLOOM ENTERS THE GROUP CHAT
Meanwhile, Orlando Bloom—who just broke up with Katy after 6 years of sexy, elf-like vibes—took the whole thing in stride.
He literally commented “👏👏👏” on a satirical Onion post claiming he’s now dating… ANGELA MERKEL. Yes. THAT Angela Merkel. 71 years old. German. Powerful. Probably very punctual.
Orlando might be heartbroken, but at least he’s funny about it. Scientology calls that Tone 40 with a sprinkle of passive-aggressive acceptance.
🔮 WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??
Katy + Justin = chaotic good.
Orlando + Merkel = chaotic neutral.
You + this article = spiritually upgraded.
We don’t know where this is going, but if these two get married in the Sea Org chapel on the Freewinds, we WILL levitate.
#KatyTruThrouple #CanadianFirework #GetClearOrGetOut
More updates as soon as someone spills tea or posts a blurry video from a Scientology org.
