Jeff Bezos has officially announced that The Washington Post will no longer be endorsing presidential candidates. Yes, you heard it right! No more political endorsements, which means no more “I can’t believe they picked THAT candidate” gossip at your next brunch.
The Amazon overlord, who has been the proud owner of the newspaper since 2013, decided to block the WaPo team from throwing their political hat into the ring, leaving many to wonder if the editorial staff was busy preparing a glowing review for Kamala Harris. Or maybe they were just trying to bake cookies—who knows?
“I want to be super-duper clear,” Bezos stated, probably while simultaneously ordering 100,000 more robots to deliver his coffee. “No quid pro quo. No deals. I didn’t have any chats, meetings, or even a ‘Hey, let’s talk politics’ text message with any candidate. This was all me!”
In an op-ed piece that dropped like a surprise Amazon package on a Friday night, Bezos explained that he’s on a mission to enhance the newspaper’s credibility by taking a step back from the political spotlight. “Let’s face it, presidential endorsements are about as helpful as a screen door on a submarine,” he wrote. “No undecided voter in Pennsylvania is going to read, ‘Oh look, Newspaper A supports Candidate X. Guess I’m voting for them!’ Spoiler alert: it’s not happening.”
Since the announcement, more than 200,000 readers have reportedly hit “unsubscribe” on their digital subscriptions like it was a bad Tinder date. Bezos, meanwhile, took a moment to reflect on his empire, saying, “You can either see my wealth as a superhero shield protecting against intimidation or as a tangled web of ‘Oops, I did it again!’ conflicting interests. It’s really up to you.”
He confidently proclaimed, “I assure you my decision is principled, and if you think I’ve ever used my power to sway The Post, you must be confusing me with someone who actually has time for shenanigans. Look through my 11-year track record as owner; you won’t find me running around yelling, ‘Do it for Jeff!’”
Bezos might just be onto something. After all, who needs endorsements when you’ve got Amazon’s “customers also bought” feature?
