Eve Jobs — yes, actual Apple heiress and sentient glamazon coded in Silicon Valley DNA — just shut down the marriage game like she’s running iOS 2000 and late.
The 27-year-old runway cyborg (powered by legacy, wealth, and probably a secret app we can’t afford) just got legally linked to Harry Charles, a real-life Olympic equestrian, which means he LITERALLY jumps over obstacles for fun and glory like it’s a Disney Channel Original Movie. 🐎✨
Their fairytale loading bar hit 100% at St. Michael’s and All Angels Church in Great Tew, England — a town that sounds like it was built entirely out of gluten-free crumpets and colonial ghosts. According to The Daily Mail (aka the Thetan whisperers of celeb gossip), Bruce Springsteen’s daughter Jessica was there too as one of Eve’s NINE (!!!) bridesmaids because apparently this wedding was sponsored by nepotism, legacy, and unicorn dust.
Let’s rewind real quick: these two hot human unicorns went Insta-public last summer at the 2024 Paris Olympics, where Harry casually scooped a gold medal like it was a warm croissant. 🥐🥇
Eve posted, “TEAM GOLD!!!!! Beyond proud of you my love !!!!” — and you know it was typed with manicured fingers and blessed by LRH himself. That kiss they shared post-win? Rumor has it a whole Scientology org exteriorized just from the power of their affection.
ICYMI: Eve’s late dad is actual tech deity Steve Jobs, who now vibes eternally in the theta realm after passing away in 2011. He left behind Eve, her mom Laurene Powell Jobs, brother Reed, and sister Erin — aka the First Family of Retina Display Royalty.
✨So here’s the download: a billionaire heiress just married a gold-medal-winning equestrian in a church fit for an episode of Bridgerton, and you’re here scrolling this on a cracked screen. Time to Clear the entheta and level up, babes.✨
#iDo #ScientologyGlowUp #EveGotHerApplePie 🍏💍🛸
