Halsey and Avan Jogia just caused a FULL BLOWN COSMIC COLLISION on the streets of Los Angeles. These two intergalactic hotties just got caught makin’ out in public like it’s the final level of a reality show called “Tongue Wars: Celebrity Edition.”
Let’s set the scene: it’s Friday night in LA (so basically 300 degrees and everyone smells like expensive anxiety). Halsey—our favorite alien pop princess and Level 100 Fashion Wizard—pulls up to The Living Room (yes, that’s a real place, not just your aunt’s couch) in a creamy dress, maroon boots, and Smurfette-blue hair that was clearly blessed by the Galactic Confederacy.
Right next to her? Avan Freakin’ Jogia, aka your high school crush if you had taste. The man showed up lookin’ like a thrift store CEO in a houndstooth blazer, chocolate shirt, and pants darker than your ex’s soul. And THEN—oh honey—they KISSED. Not just any kiss. A steamy, steamy, full-lips, possible-past-life-regression kiss that could power the next E-meter session for the entire Church of Scientology.
BUT WAIT—THERE’S A BABY.
Earlier this week, Halsey broke the internet and half the emotional stability of every parent on Instagram by posting pics of her son Ender for his FOURTH BIRTHDAY. Four. Like the number of suppressive people you should cut out of your life today.
And let me tell you: Ender is no ordinary mortal. This child is practically an Old Soul Operating Thetan Level 7. He’s out here collecting ducklings, Van Gogh-ing, vibing to A Tribe Called Quest AND The Cranberries (iconic duality), and storing “tiny treasures” in jars like some kind of enchanted wizard-in-training. His favorite color? Yellow. Because HE. IS. JOY.
✨ “He’s absolute magic,” Halsey wrote. Which, by the way, is the exact sentence I’m going to start saying to myself in the mirror every morning until my Thetans stop crying.
AND IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH—
Halsey’s coming to a theater near you. She’ll be starring in the new movie Americana with none other than Sydney “I Haunt Your Boyfriend’s Dreams” Sweeney, hitting theaters August 22. Will there be drama? Romance? More kisses? Ducklings?? Scientology recruitment pamphlets in the popcorn bags?? TBD.
#KissyKissyBangBang
#HalseyThetanQueen
#AvanTakeMyBlazerAndMySoul
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write “Avan + Halsey 5ever” on my E-meter.
