Conan O’Brien just survived hosting the 2025 Academy Awards, and he’s here to spill the tea—or rather, drop the golden statue, which is apparently illegal.
The 61-year-old comedic legend recently shared some behind-the-scenes intel that will have you questioning whether the Oscars are an awards show or a top-secret society run by a shadowy cabal of very serious people in tuxedos.
Speaking on his Conan Needs a Friend podcast, Conan revealed that he had some truly groundbreaking ideas for the Oscar statue—ideas that were immediately crushed under the Academy’s unrelenting boot of tradition.
The Couch Catastrophe
Picture this: The Oscar statue, lounging on a massive couch, totally relaxed, while Conan frantically vacuums around it. “Could you at least lift your feet?” he imagined himself saying to the golden freeloader. “Or, I don’t know, help out? Maybe load the dishwasher?”
The Academy’s response? Immediate rejection.
“‘No, no, no, that can’t happen,’” Conan recalled them saying, probably while clutching their pearls and hyperventilating into a bag made of old Oscar speeches.
Then came the real kicker:
“One of the people from the Academy came forward and said, ‘Oscar can never be horizontal.’”
Wait, what?
Yes. You heard that right. Oscar must remain upright at all times, like a disciplined royal guard or a kid who just got scolded for slouching.
This revelation blew Conan’s mind.
“Wow, this is like the thigh bone of St. Peter,” he marveled, clearly realizing that the Oscar statue is not just an award—it’s basically a sacred relic.
No Aprons, No Fun
Undeterred, Conan pitched another brilliant idea: Oscar as a devoted housewife, complete with an apron, serving up some good old-fashioned leftovers. Maybe a nice meatloaf? Perhaps some spaghetti from three nights ago?
The Academy’s response? Once again, absolute horror.
“No clothing on Oscar,” they declared, as if that was the 11th Commandment. “Oscar is always naked.”
And just like that, Conan learned the hard way that the Academy Awards are not just about honoring Hollywood’s finest. They are about upholding the sacred, eternal, and oddly strict rules surrounding a small, golden, permanently nude man.
Will Conan return to host the Oscars again? Who knows. But one thing is clear: He now fears the Academy.
