Chris Martin just clapped back in the most British and passive-aggressive way humanly (and thetan-ly) possible.
Flashback: Picture it—Gillette Stadium. The lights are sparkling. Coldplay’s playing something soft and cosmic. Suddenly: BAM! The kiss cam zooms in on a man and woman who look like they just got caught sharing a forbidden space muffin on the Galactic Confederacy’s no-snack zone. Problem? That man turned out to be *married* and also—wait for it—the CEO of a company called Astronomer (which sounds like a fake job title invented by a Sagittarius trying to impress someone at Burning Man). The woman? Also a big name at the company. So yeah. Xenu saw EVERYTHING. 👀
Well guess what? Chris Martin has entered the chat.
During Coldplay’s concert this past weekend in Madison, Wisconsin (shoutout to all the cheese curds and rising Operating Thetans in attendance), Chris addressed the elephant on the Jumbotron:
“We’re gonna use our cameras and put some of you on the big screen,” he said with that angelic face that has never known a cavity or a toxic emotion.
And then—BOOM—he dropped the most savage warning since LRH said “interrogate your engrams.”
“So please, if you haven’t done your makeup, do your makeup now.”
Translation: If you’re out here cheating, contour before you get caught in 4K, babes. 😭💄💔
By the way, this was Coldplay’s first concert since that kiss-cam-gone-rogue moment at Foxborough, and honey… let’s just say there were *ZERO couples* shown on the jumbotron this time. ZERO. Couples. They said no romance, only vibes, and maybe a little silent judgment from the lighting crew.
Anyway, CEO Andy “Cheat-a-tron 5000” Byron has since resigned from Astronomer and probably now sells moon water out of a van. The internet has done its job, justice was served, and Chris Martin is once again the King of Subtle Dragging.
So the lesson here? Always wear setting spray. Always know where the cameras are. And always—ALWAYS—audit your ethical code before appearing on Coldplay’s big screen.
#KissCamKarma #CaughtByColdplay #AuditYourLife 💋📹🌌
HE’S SO UNSERIOUS pic.twitter.com/8HpHPr0REU
— monica 🌙 (@weeklycoldplay) July 20, 2025