Amy Schumer, our favorite stand-up comedian and self-proclaimed tampon philanthropist, has found herself in a bit of a pickle. The 42-year-old funny gal is facing the wrath of the internet over her pro-Israel posts. It’s like trying to juggle flaming swords while riding a unicycle on a tightrope – a comedic tightrope, that is.
So, what did Amy have to say for herself? Well, she started off with a classic “Comments on” because, you know, the drama’s about to unfold. She wanted to clear things up, and boy, did she have a laundry list of things to address.
First up, Amy wants peace. Like, world peace – a Nobel Prize-worthy aspiration right there. She’s all about getting those hostages back and ensuring safety and freedom for both Palestinians and Israelis. She’s like the superhero of comedy, fighting for the rights of everyone, including Jewish people and Muslims. In her world, it’s all love and rainbows, and she’d never wish harm on anyone. If you thought she was Islamophobic or into genocide, well, you might want to check your prescription because that’s just crazy talk.
Amy wants you to know that when you say she’s rich, you better add “SELF MADE” in big, bold letters. She came from being dirt poor, and Senator Chuck Schumer is her dad’s second cousin once removed – and she didn’t even meet him until she was 25. Talk about a family reunion!
Oh, and she’s got something to say to those who accuse her of stealing jokes. She’s never done that, and you’d better not call her a failed comic. In fact, she’s not just any comedian; she’s the most successful female comedian of all time. Move over, stand-up legends – Amy’s here to claim her comedy throne.
Now, if you’re one of those folks who thinks she’s ugly or fat, Amy’s got a message for you. She’s sorry you’re not attracted to her, but guess what? She’s found someone who is. It’s a big, wide world out there, and there’s someone for everyone – even for comedians who double as tampon aficionados.
Amy ends her message on a heartfelt note. Despite all the online bickering, she still loves you, even if you hate Jews and can’t quite explain why. Because in the end, what hurts the most is that we all actually love each other. So, let’s share a laugh, have a tampon, and maybe, just maybe, find a way to make the world a little funnier and kinder.
