Country crooner Zach Bryan just went full “keyboard warrior takedown” mode on Instagram, and honestly, it’s the most entertainment we’ve had all week. After his ex Brianna Chickenfry (yes, that’s her real name, not a new fast-food menu item) lobbed some heavy allegations his way, Zach decided enough was enough and turned his Insta stories into a battlefield.
Brianna’s Big Claims
Back in November, Brianna accused Zach of making exes sign NDAs and allegedly dangling $12 million to keep her lips zipped. Zach? Radio silence. Until now, sort of. He didn’t address those claims directly, but boy, did he have some things to get off his chest.
Zach’s Insta Meltdown
On January 9, Zach blasted the haters for coming after his friends like they were contestants on Survivor: Petty Island.
“All you weird couch warriors out here with your PhDs in Assumptions need to chill,” he wrote, suggesting these internet detectives be studied for science. Seriously, someone call Bill Nye.
Zach wasn’t just mad—they were calling his friends ugly! And let’s be honest, in the world of country music, insulting someone’s buddies is practically a felony.
He continued, “Apparently, I’ve had four girlfriends in two weeks. News to me! Meanwhile, my friends and I are just laughing, eating nachos, and living our best lives.” (Okay, I added the nachos, but it feels right.)
Zach’s PSA: Save the Planet, Not the Gossip
Zach, channeling his inner Greta Thunberg, told people to focus on the fires in Los Angeles instead of spreading internet drama. “You do not know me. You never will know me. Stop acting like you do,” he declared, sounding like a country song waiting to happen.
He made it clear he’s fine with being the internet’s punching bag but drew the line at his friends. “Go ahead, call me names, but leave my people out of it. They’re just here for the vibes.”
Creative Crisis or Just Tired?
Zach admitted the drama was stifling his creativity. “How am I supposed to write bangers when my friends are dodging insults like it’s dodgeball?” he lamented. “Every day, y’all make me want to retire to a cabin in the woods with just my guitar and a squirrel named Earl.”
He added, “I’ve worked REALLY hard for this life. You may think I suck, but guess what? I still have it. So stop being sad little trolls with Dorito dust on your keyboards.”
No Unsolicited Advice, Please
Before anyone could slide into his DMs with a “Hang in there, champ,” Zach shut that down faster than a broken jukebox. “I lost my mom, survived war zones, and have been dealing with fame for five years. Internet bullies? Child’s play.”
As for Brianna’s allegations, Zach subtly clapped back, saying, “I’m terrifyingly unphased by the fake stuff. But mess with my friends? Game over.” He then signed off with a big ol’ “see ya” because apparently, Zach Bryan is the cowboy poet we didn’t know we needed.
Final Thoughts
Zach Bryan is over the drama, the trolls, and the internet’s collective obsession with his love life. Someone give this man a break—and maybe a hug. Or a squirrel named Earl.
