Y’all, it’s not every day you hear about a cheerleader, a goat, and a pesticide-laden drench gun all converging into the plot of a crime thriller—but welcome to Texas 2024.
Aubrey Vanlandingham (yes, that’s her real name and not a villain from Riverdale) has been slapped with animal cruelty charges after allegedly poisoning a classmate’s show goat, Willie. Yes, you read that right: show goat. Willie wasn’t just any goat; he was a star in the livestock scene. A GOAT among goats. RIP, King.
The Wild, Wild Details 🐐💀
According to law enforcement, Aubrey was caught on security footage doing her best impression of a farmyard hitman. Using a drench gun—a tool meant to help goats, mind you—she allegedly gave poor Willie a dose of toxic pesticide. And if that wasn’t enough, prosecutors claim Aubrey did this with all the intentionality of a Netflix crime drama anti-hero.
Sadly, Willie suffered severe symptoms, including convulsions and respiratory distress, before passing away about a day later. Prosecutors aren’t mincing words here, accusing Aubrey of “intentional torture” of a livestock animal. Intentional torture. This wasn’t some accidental sprinkling of salt where sugar should’ve been—this was straight-up malicious.
Why, Aubrey, Why?! 🐐💔
And why, you ask, would someone resort to goaticide? Well, according to an arrest affidavit, Aubrey allegedly confessed to the crime and dropped a bombshell: it was her second attempt. (Yes, Willie survived Round 1, but tragically, the sequel got him.) Her motive? The goat’s owner’s daughter was, in her words, a “cheater.”
Wait, wait, wait—cheater? In what? A barnyard spelling bee? Goat yoga? Turns out, this was show goat beef. Literally.
Google Searches and Shenanigans 🕵️♀️📱
Before she carried out her dastardly deed, police say Aubrey went full Bond villain, Googling how to poison animals and, hilariously, how to clear her search history. Spoiler alert: she did not clear her search history. Pro tip, Aubrey: When committing heinous acts, maybe don’t leave a digital trail. That’s like robbing a bank and tagging yourself in the location on Instagram.
She’s since been released on a $5,000 bond, but legal eagles repping Aubrey haven’t squawked back to the media just yet. Probably because, well, what exactly can you say when your client’s search history includes “how to kill a goat” and “how to not get caught killing a goat”?
The Takeaway 🐐👩⚖️
This case has everything: high school drama, barnyard politics, and a cheerleader turned alleged livestock assassin. While Willie’s untimely demise is no laughing matter, the sheer audacity of this situation feels like it was ripped straight from a rejected Dateline script.
We’ll see how the trial pans out, but for now, let’s pour one out for Willie, the true victim in this tale of teenage revenge and goat-sized grudges.
