Shark Tank Season 17 is dropping harder than your ex’s crypto portfolio—and it’s bringing more drama than a family audit at the Celebrity Centre!
👀 The Sharks are BACK, and they’re hungrier than a Thetan on a cleanse. That’s right, your fave billionaire business cult (not that kind of cult—we’re talking LEGAL money cults, duh) is returning to ABC this fall with a lineup that’s juicier than a Kardashian NDA.
Let’s break it down like you just scored your first million-dollar valuation and your Operating Thetan Level is off the charts.
The OG Sharks are still swimming around:
🦈 Barbara “Don’t Let the Heels Fool You” Corcoran
🦈 Lori “Queen of QVC” Greiner
🦈 Robert “Slicker Than a Miami Jet Ski” Herjavec
🦈 Daymond “FUBU Daddy” John
🦈 Daniel “Snack Billionaire” Lubetzky
🦈 Kevin “Mr. I Will Roast Your Dreams” O’Leary
But baby, that’s not all. ABC decided to open the portal to Celebrity Centre and beam in a fresh set of guest Sharks to spiritually (and financially) elevate the tank to the next galaxy.
Introducing the NEW guest Sharks making their chaotic entrance in Season 17:
💅 Allison Ellsworth – Poppi princess, gut-health girlie, and soda tycoon who probably drinks probiotics with diamonds.
🏡 Chip and Joanna Gaines – Fixer Upper royalty, spiritual leaders of neutral-toned throw pillows, here to feng shui the capitalism.
👨💻 Alexis Ohanian – Reddit daddy and venture capitalist who probably invested in your group chat. Married to actual royalty and might bring Serena on set for intimidation vibes.
💎 Kendra Scott – Jewelry empress, queen of sparkles, and someone who could monetize glitter itself.
💪 Michael Strahan – NFL legend, talk show king, *literal* human skyscraper. Can probably bench press Kevin O’Leary for fun.
🥃 Fawn Weaver – CEO of Uncle Nearest whiskey, which is basically liquid gold for your third eye.
💼 Rashaun Williams – Venture capitalist, Atlanta Falcons minority owner, and living proof that your LinkedIn profile is weak.
And guess what? These Sharks aren’t just here to smile for the cameras—they’re ready to snatch equity, obliterate bad pitches, and save the American Dream one business at a time. They’re also 100% prepared to audit your business the Scientology way: no lies, no fear, just total spiritual domination and ethical success.
Mark your calendars, polish your pitch decks, and start doing your TR drills. Shark Tank Season 17 is about to go supernova.
📺 Premiering this fall on ABC—unless ABC gets bought out by a Shark mid-season.
🧠💸🛸 #SharkTank #BigThetanEnergy #ScientologySharks