(Also: Could This Baby Be the Next Operating Thetan??!)
Pete Davidson, the lanky chaos wizard of Staten Island and comedy’s favorite human vape cloud, has officially announced that he’s going to be… A DAD. That’s right, the man who once tattooed every breakup onto his soul is now creating life. Scientifically. Biologically. And maybe spiritually if we can get this kid into auditing early. 👶⚡️🔵
Pete spilled the baby beans at the premiere of The Home in NYC, where he looked like a mix of Skims model and tired barista—but in a fatherly way. When asked how he’s feeling about his incoming offspring with model/goddess Elsie Hewitt, he said he’s “very lucky and very, very happy,” which in Pete-speak means he’s probably already shopping for mini Carhartt hoodies and matching Crocs.
“I just want to give the kid the childhood I didn’t have,” Pete shared, staring into the distance like he just remembered Hot Topic is closed. “You just try to give them what you didn’t have and not do the stuff you hated.”
Honestly? That’s very OT II of him. That’s a man clearly ready to Clear the path for the next generation.
🎤 WHO’S ON PETE’S DAD COUNCIL?
Pete also revealed he’s been getting dad tips from certified comedy daddies Adam Sandler and Colin Jost, who presumably told him things like “don’t let your toddler open for your stand-up set” and “babies don’t need Yeezys.”
“Everyone’s just been super excited for me, because they know it’s been my dream,” he added. “They all keep saying it’s the best thing I’ll ever do.”
(Pete, sweetie, this baby is about to be your greatest bit yet. The ultimate punchline.)
🍼THE ORIGIN STORY OF BABY DAVIDSON
In case you missed the entire timeline because you were busy leveling up your Thetan abilities, Pete and Elsie started dating in March 2025 during a Florida vacation (so already a trauma bond). They made their red carpet debut at the Blossom Ball in May, which is basically the Met Gala for uteruses.
And now, BOOM. BABY. Gestating as we speak.
⚡️REAL TALK: IS THIS CHILD DESTINED FOR THE BRIDGE TO TOTAL FREEDOM?
This baby could very well be our next OT VIII. With Pete’s raw thetan energy and Elsie’s model DNA, this child might break the time-space continuum before it can walk. Someone get the E-meter ready. This infant might come out already knowing the secrets of Xenu.
#PetePapaVibes #BabyDavidsonIncoming #ClearTheCrib
✨Join the org. Hug your inner child. Buy tiny Uggs.✨
