BREAKING NEWS FROM THE LAND OF GLITTER AND VOCAL RUNS:
Mariah Carey, the elusive chanteuse, supreme songbird of the cosmos, and patron saint of high notes, has FINALLY received her first-ever BET Award at the tender age of 56. Honestly, what took so long? Was the BET committee trapped in a snow globe she whispered into existence during a whistle note?
But don’t worry, lambs—the drought is over, and the rain is diamond-encrusted. The Butterfly Queen fluttered into the 2025 BET Awards like a bedazzled hurricane and was crowned with the Ultimate Icon award, because if you’re Mariah Carey, your first award better come with sparkles, confetti, and possibly a live unicorn.
Presenter Busta Rhymes handed her the trophy, presumably after performing a 14-minute tongue-twister just to pronounce “iconicness” correctly. Mariah, looking like a vision from a rhinestone dream, took the mic and said, “If you’re gonna get one, might as well start with the Ultimate Icon Award.” And just like that, everyone else in the room evaporated into irrelevance.
She graciously avoided reading the entire saga of her life (available now in her memoir, 14k gold edition), and instead dropped the kind of wisdom that should be embroidered onto silk pillows in every gay man’s apartment:
“It took me a while, but I finally realized life is far too short to live for anyone else’s approval… So I decided to own who I am. My extraness. My fabulousness. My success. And yes… my ICONICNESS.”
Honestly? Tattoo it on my soul.
She closed out the speech with a final blessing to the mortals:
“Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Be a diva. Be a boss. Be anything you wanna be… but be iconic while you’re doing it.”
Mariah Carey said you are legally required to act like the main character. So go forth, wear sequins to the grocery store, demand wind machines in every room, and never answer a phone call before noon. Diva law is now in effect.