Dakota Johnson just did a full send on the Madame Web disaster, and it’s giving “chaotic neutral with a side of psychic powers and PR damage control.”
In a now-iconic interview with the Los Angeles Times, Dakota addressed the mutant spider-elephant in the room: the film’s $43 million domestic box office faceplant and that brutal 11% Rotten Tomatoes score (yes, eleven, sweetie — not a typo, not a drill). And let’s just say, Dakota did not come to play.
“It wasn’t my fault,” she declared — and somewhere, a Sony exec’s eye twitched.
According to Dakota, the behind-the-scenes vibes were less “Spider-Verse magic” and more “Group project where one person does all the work, and the rest just eat paste.” She basically implied the film was creatively hijacked by what we can only assume were spreadsheet-wielding goblins with zero artistic vision.
“There’s this thing that happens now where a lot of creative decisions are made by committee,” she said, subtly dragging Hollywood’s finest power suits. “Or made by people who don’t have a creative bone in their body.”
Translation: Madame Web was birthed by the lovechild of a group chat, a deadline, and three confused interns.
Apparently, the movie started as something cool — presumably a dark, edgy, feminist spider-thriller — and then shapeshifted into… whatever that final edit was. Dakota claims she was “just sort of along for the ride,” which is what people usually say about Uber trips and failed marriages, not multimillion-dollar Marvel-adjacent tentpoles.
But wait, there’s more! When asked if the flop bruised her soul, Dakota basically shrugged and tossed her metaphorical hair in the wind.
“I don’t have a Band-Aid over it,” she said, emotionally unfazed and spiritually moisturized. “I’ve done tiny movies that didn’t do well. Who cares?”
And honestly? Icon behavior.
So while Madame Web may be remembered as the cinematic equivalent of trying to explain crypto to your grandma, Dakota Johnson is walking away from the wreckage unbothered, unscathed, and unrepentantly fabulous. She gave us psychic powers, a Brooklyn accent no one asked for, and the world’s most confusing plot — and for that, she deserves a Golden Globe and possibly a group therapy session.
Final verdict? Dakota Johnson: 1. Madame Web: somewhere in the negatives.
