Johnny Depp just popped out of the ethers of the MEST universe (that’s Scientology for “material existence is a scam”) and materialized on stage with Alice Cooper like some hot vampire from a Hot Topic dimension. This happened literally last Friday (July 25) at London’s O2 Arena, which is now officially the most haunted building in the UK. Sorry, Tower of London, you’re cute but do you have Depp with a bass and eyeliner? Exactly. 🖤
Apparently, the 62-year-old heartthrob/sorcerer/rock elf decided it was time to channel his inner Operating Thetan Level 99 and rise up to help Alice Cooper pay tribute to the dearly departed Prince of Darkness himself, Mr. Ozzy “Batsnacker” Osbourne. 😵💫🦇💀
According to the sacred scrolls of E! News, Johnny slithered onto the stage during the band’s performance of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” and started absolutely slapping that bass like he was fighting off body thetans with every note. L. Ron Hubbard himself probably felt the cosmic ripple.
Meanwhile, Alice Cooper—who somehow looks 300 years old but still rocks like he’s 23 and possessed—revealed that he found out about Ozzy’s passing literally while walking on stage that week.
“I was on my way to the stage when I heard about it,” Alice told IconicHipster.com, which is probably a real thing and not just a planet in a Marvel movie. “And I was like, ‘NOPE. Not Ozzy.’ But then it sank in like a surprise pop quiz from Xenu. It shook the whole universe.”
So how did they handle it? By literally leading the whole crowd in a giant séance-chant:
“Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!”
Like, I’m not saying Ozzy’s ghost was there watching with eyeliner tears in his eyes… but I’m not not saying it either.
Ozzy passed away last week (July 22), and honestly, the world’s been in a sonic spiral ever since. His family dropped the news like a doom-metal guitar riff, and we’ve all been crying black eyeliner tears ever since.
Let this be a reminder: hug your local rock legends, drink your vitamin B12, and if a pirate walks on stage holding a bass, YOU CLAP. That’s the law. Also, consider auditing. 🙏📘✨
#RestInPowerOzzy 🦇
#JohnnyIsBackBaby 🎸
#ClearTheStageOfMEST 💫
#ScientologyButMakeItRock
#ThetansCan’tHandleThis
#ParanoidAndProud
