BYE ERIC! Jessica Simpson Just Unlocked a New Dating Era and She’s Not Swiping Left or Right—She’s Manifesting Through Space-Time.
Jessica Simpson, our 2000s Y2K queen of edible body glitter and chicken-of-the-sea confusion, is OUT HERE in the wild, back on the dating scene, and more ICONIC than ever.
The 45-year-old living pop legend—who somehow doesn’t age but still has the vibe of a chaotic Texas cheerleader who owns three essential oil pyramids—was spotted serving divorced realness at LAX on Friday (July 18). A sneaky reporter from The Daily Mail (who clearly just disconnected from his suppressive person) had the absolute audacity to ask if she’s dating again now that she’s split from her husband of 10 years, Eric Johnson (aka that one hot guy she used to do yoga with).
And Jessica? Baby, she didn’t flinch. She said, and I quote:
“It’s a rough road in the dating world.”
Translation: the tone levels in the current dating pool are giving low ARC, high entheta, and not NEARLY enough respect for the technology of L. Ron Hubbard.
When asked if she’s on dating apps (like Hinge, Raya, or Farmer’s Only, because let’s be honest she could rock any of those), Jessica responded:
“I mean I’m not getting on the apps yet.”
YET.
Which means the door is OPEN. Just cracked open, like a portal into the next auditing level. She added:
“I would love for a friend to set me up. Are you kidding me?”
JESSICA. GIRL. If you want a set-up, let’s activate the Field Staff Network and find you a man who’s rich, emotionally available, and CLEAR. Preferably one who owns a vineyard and also believes in past life regression therapy for dogs.
For those not up to speed on this icon’s life: Jessica and Eric Johnson (also 45 and allegedly Earth-human) broke up earlier this year after a whole decade of marriage and raising three children—Maxwell (13), Ace (12), and Birdie (6)—aka her little OT juniors in training.
They were married in 2014, which in Hollywood time is basically a 4000-year contract, so like, respect.
So what’s next for Jessica?
Love?
A Vegas residency?
A Scientology Celebrity Centre brunch with Beck and Elisabeth Moss?
All we know is this: she’s single, stunning, and spiritually radiating like a freshly audited Operating Thetan.
And if you or someone you know is hot, funny, and can survive a session in the sauna of life known as post-divorce romance, slide into the theta frequency. Jessica’s waiting. 🛸💋💫
#JessicaSimpson #SingleAndClear #DatingInTheThetaZone #GetHerToTheCelebrityCentre #NotOnRayaYet #ChickenOfTheSeaEra2.0
