Dakota Johnson is out here protecting spoilers like they’re national secrets. The 35-year-old high priestess of deadpan humor and Fifty Shades shenanigans popped into Late Night With Seth Meyers on Thursday (June 5), only for the night to turn into a full-blown SpoilerGate 2025.
Dakota was there being her usual cool-girl-don’t-care-except-I-totally-care self to chat about her new movie Materialists, aka “Rich People Problems: The Film.” But then! Seth started running his mouth and tiptoeing into spoiler territory like a caffeinated raccoon.
He started going off about how the final shot of Materialists gave him all the ~~artsy~~ feels, comparing it to Celine Song’s last movie, Past Lives (you know, the one that turned everyone into a crying existential mess). He was just vibing, but Dakota cut in like a glamorous assassin with a single-word warning:
“Shut up.”
Not whispered. Not muttered. Full-on verbal fencing foil to the face. SHUT. UP.
Naturally, Seth tried to backpedal like a kid who just got caught sneaking snacks before dinner:
“I’m not saying anything! I’m just saying it’s cool.”
Sure, Jan.
Then they launched into a wildly unserious back-and-forth about Dakota allegedly never seeing Past Lives before agreeing to star in Materialists. Seth teased her like a messy little gremlin:
“You called her up, you’re like, ‘Your last one stunk, but I think I can get you on track.’”
To which Dakota responded with that smirking energy of someone who’s definitely either trolling you or inviting you to join her cult.
She confessed she’s “obsessed” with director Celine Song in the way most of us are obsessed with iced coffee and Instagram filters:
“No, I’m really in love with her, and her brain, and her heart, and her soul. I’m obsessed with her.”
Honestly, same.
Apparently, Dakota didn’t even know she was being considered for the role. She just went to the meeting like, “Haha, this is cute,” and then boom—Celine was like, “Tag, you’re it.”
Now let’s talk about Materialists, the movie that Dakota tried (and sort of failed) to protect from blabbermouth Seth. She plays a chic NYC matchmaker who gets emotionally tug-o-war’d between Pedro Pascal as Mr. Right and Chris Evans as Mr. Chaos in Sweatpants. Do you smell that? It’s the aroma of drama, couture, and abs.
The movie hits theaters Friday the 13th (spooky romance vibes?), and if you even think about spoiling the last scene, Dakota will personally apparate into your living room and hiss “shut up” with the power of 1,000 cool girls.
Watch the chaos unfold above, and remember: Friends don’t let friends spoil endings. Especially when Dakota’s watching.