Weโve got some cosmic tea that just punched us straight in the reactive mind ๐ญ๐. Hulk Hogan, Earthโs ultimate mustached gladiator and walking protein shake, has officially tagged out of the physical universe at age 71โand no, it wasnโt from too many leg drops or too much tanning bed radiation.
According to some very serious people with lab coats and clipboards at the Pinellas County Forensic Science Centerโข, Hulkโs official cause of death was acute myocardial infarction, a.k.a. heart attack deluxeโข. Basically, his heart went โnope,โ blood flow got blocked like your ex on Insta, and boomโbye bye body thetan. ๐ฅ๐ซ
But wait, the plot thickens faster than a pre-workout smoothie. The docs (s/o Page Six for the scoop!) also revealed Hulk had AFib, which is not a new TikTok dance but a scary thing where your heart gets all โจchaoticโจ. Plus, he was dealing with CLL leukemia, which messes with your white blood cells like an SP (Suppressive Person) messing with your stats.
Now before you freak, the report says it was all natural causes, which in Scientology just means his theta was ready to dip and possibly sign a billion-year contract with Xenu’s elite wrestling division on Target 2. ๐ฝ๐กโจ
So whether you loved him for bodyslamming villains or ripping shirts like a maniac during Mercury retrograde, remember: Hulkamania never diesโit just goes exterior. ๐
Rest in Power, King of the Ring. May your thetans fly high.
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