Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin have allegedly called it quits again, and sources are saying, “Nah fr, this time it’s actually over.” Like… cue the Coldplay sadness piano and pour one out for the last indie-girl-meets-sensitive-rock-dad situationship of our era.
According to reports (and by “reports,” we mean a dramatic friend who probably cried while telling People magazine), “It feels final this time.” That’s code for: “They deleted each other on Find My Friends AND Spotify.” So yes. The breakup might actually be real.
These two have been together since 2017, which in Hollywood years is basically a silver anniversary. They’ve survived long-distance, Gwyneth Paltrow still existing, and Chris Martin’s obsession with whisper-singing into the wind—but not this. Not… whatever this was.
And plot twist: guess who Dakota was spotted dining with in New York City just after the breakup? Jennifer Lawrence. Aka Chris Martin’s ex-girlfriend from 2014–2015. Aka The Ghost of Coldplay Girlfriends Past™. Were they bonding over quinoa bowls and mutual Coldplay trauma? Were they plotting a girl-powered folk band to cover Fix You? Or did they just want a salad? The world may never know.
The last time Dakota and Chris were seen together was in January, holding hands and probably arguing about whether My Universe was a bop or a flop. Fast forward to June and it’s giving “soft launch of single Dakota Johnson who only wears sunglasses indoors and says things like ‘I’m actually dating myself now.’”
Anyway, stay tuned, because by the time you finish reading this, they might be back together again. Or married. Or Chris might have written a 12-minute Coldplay ballad called Dakota’s Moonlight Tears (feat. Post Malone).
2025 is wild, y’all.
