Khloe Kardashian Declares Herself a “Born-Again Virgin,” Considers Marrying Her Bed

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Khloe Kardashian is getting real about her dry spell—so dry, in fact, the Sahara is jealous.

On the latest episode of The Kardashians (a.k.a. the most glamorous family meeting on Hulu), the 40-year-old reality star jetted off to Tuscany with her sister Kim Kardashian and celebrity hairstylist Chris Appleton. Because nothing screams “let’s talk about my lack of a sex life” like a European getaway.

Chris, ever the agent of chaos, blurted out, “Let’s get Khloe laid.”

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Khloe, clutching onto her sense of humor (and maybe a rosary), shot back, “You’re obsessed with knowing that I haven’t had sex.” She then turned to Kim, as if seeking sibling backup, “He loves that I haven’t had sex in so many years.”

In a confessional moment, Khloe made a shocking revelation: “I mean, I just haven’t been intimate in quite a long time. So we’re going back to square one.” That’s right, folks—Khloe Kardashian, reality star, entrepreneur, and now born-again virgin.

She even took it a step further, declaring, “I’ll marry my bed.” Because, honestly, why not? It’s soft, supportive, always there when she needs it, and—most importantly—doesn’t ghost her after three dates. “I know who I’m coming home to every night,” she said dreamily. “I know you’re just gonna be there for me and snuggle me whenever I want. And you won’t talk back.” Take notes, gentlemen.

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Back in the group chat—uh, conversation—Khloe set the record straight: “I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have anything yet, so I think we have time to ask him that. I’m not even sleeping with anyone. TMI but—call me!”

Khloe Kardashian, single, thriving, and potentially registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond for her upcoming nuptials with her mattress.

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Khloe Kardashian Declares Herself a “Born-Again Virgin,” Considers Marrying Her Bed

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